On Fear of Judgment
Five Practical Lessons to Move Past the Fear of Being Judged and Embrace Authenticity
Over 2022 and 2023, I began sharing the ups and lows of my personal journey as a female founder and CEO of a deep tech company. All about emotional resilience, navigating imposter syndrome, preventing burnout, navigating fundraising, processing trauma, any topic that I had to deal with at the time. I shared openly and authentically.
When I felt on the verge of burn out, I wrote about it. When I unleashed childhood trauma while still leading this company, I shared that too. When I faced cognitive bias as a female CEO in conversations with venture capitalists, I spoke my truth. I also celebrated the beautiful moments that happened in my personal and professional journey.
Authenticity had become my middle name.
The beauty was that throughout sharing my story, I found my voice and healed fragmented parts of myself that I didn’t know needed tending.
Of course, there were critics. A few people told me to dial it down but overall, the response was overwhelming positive, which in some way, was feeding my need for external validation. Up until this one person in my close circle started shaming me daily on my content.
“Your words are making everyone uncomfortable.” “It’s creepy.” They’d say.
Over and over again.
The truth is what they said was irrelevant. What mattered was my response to it. I stopped posting. I second guessed my every word. And I deleted my Medium articles.
I felt ashamed. Deeply inadequate. How could my heart-led words make people so uncomfortable? How could my truth- a literal part of me, be so openly judged? What was wrong with me?
If you’re still reading, it’s possible that you too are navigating the fear of being judged, as we all are. First of all, I see you. I feel you. I am you.
In Vex King’s words:
“We’re social animals and we crave social connection. We desire the feeling of being liked and wanted. And on top of that, those of us whose thoughts about ourselves have been affected by some kind of trauma are even more likely to try to be liked, to fit in, and to shape ourselves into what we think other people want us to be.”
So what to do then?
Here are five lessons I’ve learned about transforming this fear into purpose and showing up regardless.
Lesson 1: Someone Else’s Judgment Is Never About You
In her book Judgment Detox, Gabrielle Bernstein writes:
“When we judge others, we’re really judging a disowned part of our own shadow. Whatever we resent or dislike in another person is a reflection of something we dislike in ourselves or a representation of a deep wound we’re unwilling to heal. Often other people trigger our wounds. We judge them when this happens instead of accepting that the discomfort is really about us.”
Read that again.
My whole world shifted when I understood judgment from this perspective. We all judge. I do too. And while judgment can be necessary for survival, in 99% of the cases, judging another person, situation, culture, is about a “disowned part of ourselves” and an attempt to feeling loved.
This person’s opinion about my content wasn’t about me. It was a mirror of their discomfort. My authenticity triggered something in them. And that’s okay.
Lesson 2: If You’re Triggered, It’s Showing You an Unhealed Part of Yourself
If someone came to tell you that your hair was blue, yet you knew that your hair was blonde, would you go a long way trying to convince them otherwise? Would you change your hair? Would you even pay attention?
Likely not.
But if their words trigger you, there is something in you that needs to be cared for.
When I stopped to reflect, I realized I had tied my self-worth to external validation. This person’s criticism mirrored my own insecurities.
Next time you feel judged and triggered, thank the person for showing up as a teacher in your life and ask yourself:
- What do I need right now?
- How am I feeling?
- What thoughts am I holding?
- How am I behaving?
Use these questions to uncover the unhealed parts of yourself — and let judgment be your teacher.
Lesson 3: Hold Yourself in Compassion
We’re all human beings looking for the same exact thing. Love.
Gabrielle Bernstein writes:
“We fear that if we let our guard down and act compassionately and lovingly toward one another that we will be taken advantage of and will no longer be safe.”
When this person in my circle started shaming me, not only did I retrieve in a cave and stopped showing up, I also spent a good six months judging myself for the way I was reacting. I had spent over five years meditating and building emotional resilience, why was it that his simple opinion could make me feel as shitty?
I can tell you that in this moment, I didn’t need another layer of judgment thrown my way.
If a 4 year old child came to you, sobbing because someone hurt them profoundly, what would you tell them? To just get over it? Or would you just sit with them and hold space for their pain?
My hope if you are activated is that you can right here with me, close your eyes, take a breath and send yourself some love. You deserve it.
Lesson 3: Reframe the Fear of Judgment
Overachiever, people pleaser and peace keeper in recovery. I spent decades trying to please everyone around me and spending countless nights thinking of: what will they think of me? Until, Vex King reframed it for me:
Instead of thinking what people think of you, consider what you think of them.
In his book “Healing is the New High”, Vex writes:
“This exercise is rooted in a technique that’s often used in Psychotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) work, and it allows you to start experiencing life from your own viewpoint. When you do this often, you’ll start to look at the world from the inside out, rather than constantly trying to see yourself from other people’s point of view. Which, in turn, will increase your confidence and self-esteem.”
Next time you fear being judged or are being judged, pause and inquire: what do you think of them?
A nice reframe is: would you go for advice to them? If the answer is no, then what they said is rather irrelevant. I’m not telling you to become averse to constructive feedbacks but to let go of destructive judgment.
Lesson 4: Show Up Anyway
Coming out of this, I hesitated extensively about sharing my voice again. Overthinking every word, every format, every medium. How will they perceive me? What will they think?
Until, this one question popped in my mind:
How different would you life be if the people that inspired you most in your life had stopped showing up because of this fear and this one detractor?
I know my life would be profoundly different. I hope this can give you a nudge to keep showing up anyway regardless of people’s opinions and your fears. Every greatness journey had their shares of struggles.
Keep showing up. Authentically. Unapologetically.
Someone, if not a past version of yourself, needs to be inspired by you.
Lesson 5: Walk Away From Toxicity
Sharing my voice is one my greatest joys. Second-guessing what I believed was one of my strongest assets took a toll on me. How did I get there?
There is always blessing in the breaking.
This experience made me realise that I had been webbed in narcissistic abuses for years and was completely oblivious to it. I had trusted this person blindly and through this series of events realised that they didn’t have my best interest at heart.
I don’t believe we can be loved or valued by all the human beings on this planet and it is likely that if you put yourself out there, building a business, writing a book, sharing your story, pursuing science, there will always be detractors or people to judge you.
That’s okay. You don’t have to entertain these relationships or these environments.
Just walk away. And focus on the people and environments that uplift you.
Closing Thoughts
Fear of judgment is universal, but it doesn’t have to hold you back. Let it be your teacher. Let it guide you toward healing, growth, and authenticity.
And most importantly — show up anyway.
I hope this helps!
