E! exclusive: a muslim bachelorette?!

After being sent home on night one last season, when Colton Underwood walked into the Bachelor Mansion kitchen to find me stuffing my face with fruit (It was Ramadan and I’d been fasting all day! Not my fault that the rose ceremony overlapped with sunset), I did what any reasonable Muslim would’ve done. I called Baba.

As it turns out, Baba has a friend who’s a lawyer (tea alert: he couldn’t make it as an engineer) and he sued the entire franchise for religious discrimination- and won! One of the terms of my settlement agreement named me the first Muslim-American Bachelorette, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to embark on this journey to find my other half. He created us in pairs, after all ;)

What am I looking for in a man? Not much; I just want someone who’ll wake me up for fajr and join me in marginally lucrative Instagram-based marketing schemes for matching t-shirts. Y’all seen the ones where his says ‘habibti’ with an arrow to the right and her’s says ‘habibi’ with an arrow to the left? Yea…those. I’m also looking for a guy with considerable BDE- Big Da’wah Energy. Unless he’s given at least three khutbas this year, he isn’t the one.

Last season was a doozy to say the least. I stirred up controversy before my short-lived stint on the show even started, all because I had nail polish on in my promo video. Critics didn’t even give me a chance to explain that it was of the water-penetrable variety before attacking my iman, but joke’s on them, because I had the brand sponsorship DM’s to prove it. Is this how Obama felt during the birther controversy? Yikes.

As if that wasn’t hard enough, my Minder profile got leaked days later. I faced a lot of scrutiny after the ummah discovered that I wanted a guy with a religious commitment level of a 7/10, and that was before Baba found out…

On a lighter note, I’ve been preparing for tonight for what feels like forever. I watched a total of 42 Youtube tutorials on different hijab styles before settling on my signature pin-under-the-chin, loop around the neck, but keep an eye out for next week’s rose ceremony. I plan on wearing a turban/abayah combination that’ll blow future hubby out of the water. Why’s he in the water in the first place? He’s making wudu, of course!

Chris Harrison has called this the most dramatic season yet, but what else did he expect. You throw a couple of Palestinians into a dabke-themed group date and naturally, we aren’t getting our ballroom security deposit back. It’s common sense, Chris!

I’m so excited to meet the guys. I might struggle a bit with names at first (there are 7 different Mohammad’s) but my brother (also named Mohammad) will be by my side all night, so hopefully he’ll be able to help. Plus, I hear Mohammad H. is a doctor, and Mohammad A. loves to travel! Apparently Mohammad L. was in a frat in undergrad, and even though he graduated three years ago, it’s STILL in his Twitter bio, so that’s one less name for me to remember- sorry Mo.

This season’s early fan favorites:

Mohammad H. 32-years-old Occupation: Doctor Fun fact: literally nothing. No personality whatsoever. But he’s a doctor, and that alone will guide him through week seven at least.

Mohammad L. 25-years-old Occupation: Mom’s favorite child Fun fact: Friends called him “Frat God” in college, I call that shirk. Astaghfurullah.

Mohammad F. 28-years-old Occupation: Entrepreneur Fun fact: Presented his prized invention, an anti-balding cream marketed exclusively in the Arab world, on Sharktank. Made millions within its first 7 minutes on the market. mA.