Ame’s Hammy Jamming — December, 2022
I cast about unsuccessfully for anything interesting to write today.
Although I am not entirely certain why, I have felt a bit down, stuck, as if I stalled like a glider missing an updraft. I suspect the reason is that I have not tried to have any fun for a couple of weeks, especially in writing. I think we can agree that all work and no play makes Amethysta even duller than usual.
As a result, I thought I would make a new monthly tradition — to write about personal affairs that occurred in the last month. Sometime in the first week of each month, Ame’s Hammy Jamming will detail (in more or less detail) fun (to me) stuff that happened (in life, gender transition, and everything) that is worth hearing about (presumably without further (clearly distracting) parentheticals).
Hammy…what?
A quick note about the title I have chosen. People have noted that the name “Amethysta” is long and difficult — both to speak and spell. A very dear friend of mine (Hi, Ryan!) started calling me “Ame” as an endearment long ago, and it feels right. It rolls off the tongue and splats in the air like a purple pat of warm butter.
Perhaps more importantly, “Ame” rhymes with “hammy.” If any word in the language describes my behavior, “hammy” is it. I decorate my deportment with tints of Vaudeville — I like to think of myself as a modern day Trixie Friganza in several regards.
Finally, these updates are not likely to carry much social or political import. I figure they will be the written equivalent of the lines uttered by George Wendt from the popular (with me) Spice Girls movie “Spice World:”
We’re cooking here. This is a stew, a gumbo, a jambalaya, if you will. We’re just jamming.
I think enough said there. On to updates.
New Web Site
I launched a web site a few weeks back to absolutely no fanfare. The purpose is to provide a single location to find articles I publish. Candidly, there are only two locations in which I have published to date, but hey, I like to be prepared. I also intend to host references for the articles (to avoid gumming up reading them here) as well as resources that I find regarding gender exploration.
You might notice my stunning lack of web design skills. Luckily, a friend of mine, Meagan Mosser (Hi, Meagan!), helped me a bit. Her skill in color theory has been invaluable. Now I need only apply those lessons and maybe the web site will look a little better. I did, however, use complementary colors from the CMY color wheel, which is probably enough for me for this month.
Confidence — or a reasonable facsimile
I struggle very badly with low confidence. For the most part, I expect my work not to be good enough. I admit my low confidence spurs me to study constantly and to work very hard. As a result, I have knowledge in many areas and am consistently able to find a job in diverse environments.
The above is where the good part ends. I cannot take praise gracefully. I also believe that if I just…work…a…little…bit…harder, everything is going to be OK. (SPOILER ALERT: that strategy has yet to be successful.) I attempt to avoid spotlights.
But in the past month, I have tried to force myself to promote who I am and what I do. The web site above is one example, but another is the photo — yes, a real photo — of myself below. I even made it the featured image for this article. Believe me when I say I am uncomfortable doing this. But if I never allow myself into a small spotlight, I will never learn to do it.
The photo above is rather raw. I took that photo with my phone on a tripod and a remote control for the camera app. I did that on purpose because I want to show myself as I am, not as I hope you would see me. I find it better to set expectations low from the outset to make the future more fulfilling — impressing people with mediocrity beats disappointing them being above average.
Is this confidence? Or only a reasonable facsimile? Time will tell.
(In the meantime, I also want to call out my wife, who sewed the lovely purple tunic I am wearing. Hi, Kitten!)
The woman is being made, and I need clothes
Yesterday, I bought a bra for the first time in my life. OK, that isn’t strictly true. First, what I bought is technically called a bralette, which is popular with younger, developing girls. Second, I have bought bras before, but I intended to stuff those with various esoteric cross-dressing tools (such as socks, water balloons, or breast forms) in order to give the impression of a bust.
What I bought yesterday — and am wearing now — is filled with my actual bust after five months of hormone replacement therapy (today, 12/07/2022 is the fifth month-a-versary). The bralette is equivalent to around a 40B bra. For what it’s worth, this event is one I will remember for as long as I can. All my life, I have wished for breasts…and now it has happened, if even just the early stages.
(Some of you out there are right on the verge of writing a response that says “Yes, Amethysta, that happens and you will buy more bras in the future. Welcome to being a girl.” I know, I know. Let me have my moment here.)
Exploring gender
One final page on the web site I mentioned above has to do with a Discord community I launched named Transcurrent Explorers (TCE). It is all about gender exploration and represents a culmination of what I described above — putting myself out there as well as assembling every piece I choose to be who I am.
I admit again I am nervous. My future plans in TCE are to run tabletop role-playing game sessions and find people to play video games. I intend to hold informal Discord sessions to practice voice and allow members of the community to tell their stories. I even have a session with a makeup expert in the works. All of this forces me to stick my face and voice out there. All of this forces me to develop my identity, which is the real point.
Until next month!
Well! Who would have thought that simply ticking over and celebrating my successes — no matter how big or small — would make me feel better? (SPOILER ALERT: every psychotherapist who ever worked with depression.) I’m glad I did this. I hope the humor provided a chuckle and the links provoked further thoughts. Until next time…
Purple Hugs and Blessings!
