How a guy in a wheelchair went from never dating to several dates per week
Yep, you read that right.
Guy in a wheelchair.
Going on dates.
Multiple times per week.
And I’m spilling my secrets.
If you’ll allow me to brag for a moment, here are the highlights of my social and dating life for the past three years:
- I am closer to my family than ever before, and I no longer feel bad for being the single guy at family reunions
- I make lifelong friends in minutes vs. years
- I spend weekends with people I genuinely care about, instead of being a workaholic
- I have rolled up in my wheelchair and started a conversation with at least 500 women who were total strangers
- I no longer hesitate to get a woman’s phone number, and I’ve done it in nearly every venue — bars, clubs, and online dating for sure, but also at work, the gym, malls, grocery stores, my hair salon, my apartment building, my mosque, an airplane, and even a dentist’s chair
- I have been “rejected” (i.e. not gotten the number) so many times that I just find it amusing
- I once got a girl’s number and then accidentally rolled over her foot with my 250lb wheelchair. Oops ☺
- I have been on at least 30 first dates. At times, I have lined up 3–4 dates in the same week
- I totally botched the kiss on a recent first date. There was no second date, but she loved our conversation so much that she gave me a kissing lesson
- I have lived out some of my greatest fantasies (hint: shower scenes)
- I have been in 2 exclusive relationships
- I have been passionately & mutually in love, once
But my life wasn’t always this way — in fact, when I graduated college three years ago, I had a whopping tally of zero dates. For my entire life.
My previous life — the backstory
Growing up, I was usually at the top of my class academically, and at the bottom socially. I thought college would be my Great Turnaround. I mean, come on, I was going to an Ivy League University! I was going to be surrounded by people just like me, so I would definitely have tons of friends, finally kiss a girl, and even get a girlfriend. I couldn’t wait!
Sadly, things weren’t all that different. Well, one thing was: I was no longer at the top of my class academically. My social life remained uninspiring. College has tons of social opportunity, but I didn’t know how to form the deep, meaningful relationships that I desired. I had great relationships with a handful of folks in my major, but we didn’t get together on Thursday nights after a long week, or share our dreams and aspirations, or plan spring break together.
And forget dating, I could hardly hold a non-academic conversation with a girl I was attracted to. I definitely hadn’t kissed a girl, and I had no idea if I was even able to have sex. I never had condoms in my room—what’s the point, I thought…I wouldn’t be needing one any time soon.
Not only did I have no experience with women, but I also had the dreaded “one-itis”. I was fixated on this one girl; she was the one. Unsurprisingly, she wasn’t interested, but I failed to take the hint, making her incredibly uncomfortable. Better yet, I had no idea she was dating the guy I consulted for advice. Talk about a facepalm!
I graduated college without ever kissing a girl, and I was determined to change that before starting my job. I asked a pretty girl I knew from my mosque to “hang out”. I was a nervous wreck the entire time. At some point, I blurted out “would you like to kiss me?” And I just went for it. Smooch! My first kiss. But the problem was, she had no idea it was a date, and worse, she did not want to date a guy in a wheelchair. I was absolutely devastated…yet I kept pursuing her, thinking I could change her mind. Since I wasn’t meeting other women, I was desperate.
By this point, I was itching to move to Seattle, start my career, and FINALLY receive my reward of great friends and a fantastic girlfriend. It didn’t happen in college, but now I had a degree and a job. That’s all it takes, right?
The Checklist
You see, up until that point, I had done everything I was supposed to do. I worked my butt off in high school, went to an Ivy League university, stayed away from alcohol and parties, and landed a prestigious job. I had a car, a nice apartment, and I was doing quite well at work. Finally, I thought, I had made it.
I had checked off everything on the “do this to be happy” checklist from society. Well, all except one: get a girlfriend (and eventually, get married). In fact, every time I visited home, all the grandmas and aunties would say, “you’re so smart and successful, have you found a nice girl yet?”. Dammit! I thought. Why haven’t I figured it out by now! Everyone else certainly has.
Where was this girlfriend, or even friends for that matter? I was under the impression that they would magically show up once I checked everything else off the list. When I was younger and felt left out socially, my parents, with the best intentions, had said, “don’t worry, it will all come in due time, just focus on school.” And so I did. But school was over, and I was more alone than ever in a new city.
So I focused on work, since that answer bought me time, “I’m too focused on my career to have a girlfriend”. My stomach turned over every time I said it, because it was bullshit. What was I supposed to say?
“Hi, I’m Amin. I don’t have the slightest clue on how to make it happen, but yes of course I want to have friends that I love hanging out with. But I don’t think I’m any good at interacting with people. Yes of course I want to have that intimate connection with another human being, someone to cuddle with, someone to kiss tenderly all over her body, someone to have steaming hot morning sex with. But I don’t even think girls would be attracted to a guy in a wheelchair—they probably just see it as a burden, and I can’t even lift them up and carry them like the men in the movies.” No way, I thought, that’s admitting failure. Surely I can figure this out.
I thought “pickup artists” had the answer to my problems. I just had to say and do everything in the right sequence, and the girl would be mine. I tried all sorts of forums, e-books, and videos — it was all garbage—I never knew what to say beyond a few questions. Needless to say, it didn’t work—I started to feel hopeless.
The breaking point
Through browsing a forum, I found an event on improving conversation skills, held by dating coaches Andy Anderson and Jackie Silvers. Their presentation was way different from the “pickup artists,” who just talk about navigating your way into a woman’s pants. Andy & Jackie provided simple advice on how to build connections with people. I was really curious about their private coaching program, but also really hesitant to jump in.
Getting a dating coach felt like a big deal to me. What if someone found out? What would my family think? Would I even get the results I wanted? Was I that much of a failure that I had to pay someone to learn how to socialize? I didn’t know anyone else who had done it. And the coaching was expensive, certainly more so than any service I had ever purchased.
I deliberated with myself intensely, ultimately deciding that I could keep trying to figure it out on my own and (most likely) get nowhere, or I could have a shot at something better with Andy & Jackie’s help. So I signed up. It was the best decision I have ever made, and has led to the best years of my life.
I am sharing my story, because I know there are so many single guys out there who want a more fulfilling social and dating life, but don’t yet have the tools to achieve it. Unfortunately, they’re often ashamed to get help or even work on their skills. If you are one of those guys, I want to encourage you by sharing what I have learned.
Lessons
So what’s the secret? My results came from learning how to improve three key things. Below is a short summary of each, and I will share more detail in future posts.
1. Fashion and grooming
Fashion and grooming is a must. It is certainly not everything you need and doesn’t get you very far, but it is critical for the first few moments when you meet someone. Dress to impress.
2. Conversation skills
Looking sharp got me some attention, and people were more receptive to engaging with me, but improving my conversation skills was the real key to connecting with people. Quite honestly, you don’t need to be particularly interesting, have any amazing stories, or even do more than 10% of the talking once you have this skill.
3. The thoughts and beliefs in my mind
For a long time, I talked the talk and walked the walk (rolled the roll?). As in, I dressed sharp and had great conversations with people. But I would always stumble after some progress, like getting too attached to a woman. And that all came down to what was going on in my head. Changing my thoughts and beliefs has been the single most impactful tool in improving my life.
For instance, I’ve realized that what’s most important to me is not the number of people that are calling/texting me to hang out, or the attractiveness of the girl on my arm. Sure, those are nice ego boosts, but what really gives me a sense of fulfillment are meaningful connections. Can I be open and honest with this person? Do we want the same things in life? Do they lift me up towards my dreams or pull me down?
My new life
Below are a few shots of the new & improved, positively delicious Amin Lakhani in action (another brag moment). I love where I am, but have I achieved every goal I desire? Certainly not. And I would be lying if I said I am no longer nervous when meeting women I find attractive, or that I never feel self-conscious about my wheelchair. I can, however, say with certainty that I have vastly improved. My coaches always say “transformation is forever” and they are right.
I’m incredibly fortunate to have had this opportunity to turn my life around, and I hope to inspire others to do the same.
Hey there — I hope this made you laugh, and that you learn from my experience. If you want more stuff like this (you weirdo) then sign up for my weekly emails, where I share more about my life, and the latest on my creative projects.
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Grazie,
-Amin Lakhani
The Dating Coach on Wheels
Comedian. Writer. Disabled Antihero.
