Regrets, Self-Torture, & the power of a real friend
In a silent dark hour at night, alone in her house, spending her night reading in her garden hoping to fall asleep, she realized she couldn’t even read a word due to the endless questions going on in her mind and the pain aching in her muscles as a result of her psychological stress post her divorce & decision to quit her job not being able to perform after what she’s been through.
Is this a regret phase? Am I regretting leaving my whole stable life behind to step into a life I have no clue if it will be a better one or a even a life in the first place or not? Why am I questioning my decision now? I already stretched myself to the max and couldn’t tolerate it anymore…
“What’s going on in here?”- She painfully asks her mind.
“What’s causing you all this pain?”- She hopelessly blames her body.
“What’s keeping you awake all night and pushing you to rise up at dawn with almost no sleep”? — she asks herself every morning when she is forced to pull herself out of bed helplessly after giving up any signs of sleep to mercifully visit her eyes and rest her body.
Without thinking that it was even almost 7 am in the morning, she searches for her mobile and calls her best friend:
She kept discussing silly topics she had no clue why she was talking about, and at the other end, her best friend was wondering, how this wise friend could ever be talking about such silly things especially at such an hour?! Jumping from one silly topic to a sillier one with hysterical laughs in between, her friend suddenly stops her:
“Nina, what’s up? What are you going through? There’s something you are trying to hide….”
Suddenly there was a scream at the other end where Nina just broke down & started crying: “I knew you have to always be my best friend. No, my backbone, my support. You always understands me without talking”. Crying & crying hysterically , Liz screams out at the other side: “ Get ready! I’m coming now to pick you up and go out. Now”
Liz & Nina headed to their favorite spot on the sea together and sat down on the sand allowing the salty water of the sea to touch part of their legs as a healing part of nature.
Turning her body towards her best friend and childhood companion, Liz speaks out Nina’s mind without Nina even having to utter a word.
“Nina, regret is such a painful feeling, I know. It just turns your life upside down. It makes your heart aches every second. It unconsciously generates in you that destructive feeling that the grass on the other side is greener though it usually isn’t. We feel this because in this phase we feel we just lost everything; that everyone’s life is better than ours simply because we are comparing their outside with our inside. But the truth is everyone is fighting their own battle, but the regret battle tends to always be one of the hardest ones. But regretting your decisions doesn’t indicate you are flawed as a human being. Seeing the stability in other people’s lives versus yours doesn’t mean your life is miserable and your grass is less green. Every garden has its own beauty and its grass will be greener only if you nourish it, protect it from killing weeds like your regrets & endless what if’s. Even if a decision was wrong, if it was taken, then it was meant to be. Embrace your decision, take full responsibility of it, & stay assured that if that decision was to end something, then no regrets because this end was going to come anyways as destiny spoke its word by then”
Nina still looking in the endless sea in front of her gave Liz a sign she still wants to listen and can’t talk. Continuing her compassion and love to her best friend, Liz ends her conversation: Nina, you are painfully and excessively blaming yourself because you had the say and upper hand and took the decision to shut this door and willingly ended this phase of your life. And we as humans, always prefer that endings are away from us, not done with our own will and own actions to avoid responsibility and accountability. Nevertheless, if you look at it from another perspective, it’s always empowering to feel you had control over your life and how you want it to go, after God’s permission for you to do so”.
Nina turns to Liz with a sad smile coated with drops from the tears in her eyes, “Sometimes I feel you are destiny’s compensation for me, the boat saving me from the sea’s waves to take me back to the shore. The mirror that shows me my deep inner feelings floating upward to be clearly visible to me. You are simply my relief, Liz”
Smiling and more relieved than her best friend with the smile she could draw on her face; “Those are what friends are for. They are sisters that GOD didn’t give us. So, please, Nina, stay happy with any state you are in. Everything in our life happens for a reason, no coincidences. So fully experience whatever life offers your with its threats & opportunities, openly receive all it has to offer you with no resistance, and never say No to a new chance or person you encounter till you fully experience the opportunity before deciding to go into it or corner it and seek a new one. That will be your only doorway to your destiny and beautifully crafted path in life.