They knew this was just the beginning…(Part 3)
She was afraid of loneliness so she ran to it by living on her own before she was forced to do so….illusionary convincing herself it was her decision.
She dreaded failure so she hid from every new experience that could widen her horizons and increase her chances of opening to new chances and opportunities in life….lying to her innocent self that she was playing it safe.
She feared facing herself, so she flooded her mind and time with numerous commitments to prevent any chance for her mind to think and face herself…excusing her mind of time constraints to meet and question her illusionary beliefs and thoughts.
And ending with her biggest challenge and sharpest of all illusions overwhelming Amina’s character, falling in love. Amina deeply, gravely, and painfully promised her heart and soul the most unfair promise of all, to never ever fall in love! And ironically not out of a bad experience given, the impossibility of it happening since she never allowed her heart to open up to any man. Her close circle differed in their interpretations of this unusual attitude of a girl like her towards love; a girl with such potential. Amina was beautiful, pious, loving, genuine, giving, very well educated and brought up…and many other traits her friends and cousins thought would make her a perfect partner and a dream girl for any man. None of those convinced Amina she could find the right person. Why? Maybe it was refusal to let go of her freedom, maybe unwillingness to take over responsibilities of another person, maybe arrogance believing she deserved someone who was too good to exist…..numerous assumptions and superficial interpretations about the poor girl, that reflected none of the conflict she was fighting alone. The conflict of self-doubt. Amina simply believed she didn’t deserve love, she didn’t deserve to share someone else’s life because she always believed she would never be able to make that person happy, and she knew what it felt to love someone and fail to make them happy because you were and will never be good enough for them. This was simply Amina in a nutshell. An innocent struggling soul praying every night to her ONE and ONLY who she could open up her heart to, HER Creator, to never leave her a prey for loneliness; to take her hand and pull her to her partner, to fulfill her biggest dream to hold a child of her own in her hands and feel this blissful unexplainable feeling of motherhood…A prayer she knew will never happen but kept fighting this belief knowing how bad it was not to believe in the ultimate power of GOD. But it’s not about not believing in HIM, Amina always told herself, but rather not believing in Amina’s right for such a gift.
On the contrary, we see Selim. Such a charismatic character. A bold personality who never ceased to get whatever he puts his mind into. A determined and confident man who knew exactly what he needed in life and was moving steadily towards his clearly set goals in life. A successful entrepreneur, an athlete, a social worker in his leisure time, a drum player, and sometimes a writer! A rich character with a myriad of talents and hobbies that was so tempting to any girl making him a question mark for all around him wondering why he was not with anyone till now? Selim was almost 35 years old and had no issues towards commitment such as Amina. His only reason for staying alone till now was his determined quest for real love. This love that he knew existed no matter how rare it was. This love that captures the heart of two without warnings. The love that is based on the real balance between the mind and the heart, the balance between the soul and the spiritual bond.
At the same moments Amina was doubtfully, praying for the imaginary partner she wished was Selim the moment their eyes met but never dared to state his name in her prayers knowing he was too good for her , Selim was confidently praying with full belief not for the long awaited for partner, but for Her, for Amina. He did so the moment his eyes fell on her and she captured his heart and soul. He knew it was her, he realized from the first moment Amina was the one he dreamed of all his life, the mother he wanted for his children, and the soul he wanted to connect with forever.
However, Selim knew his mission would not be easy. He knew how tough it was to penetrate Amina’s life and get into her heart. He could see the limitless boundaries she firmly built around herself to block her heart and inner self from any possible intrusions. Any man in his position would fear getting near, would take the easier path of playing it safe and looking for an easier catch. But not Selim; not only because he was a fighter, but because with this spiritual connection that bonded him with Amina, he could see the light in her soul; he could uncover the blind spot she was trying to hide behind her strong character, her confidence, and the allure and perfection clearly reflected in everything she did making her appear as the strong independent woman that no one can beat. On the contrary, he saw the real her. He clearly pictured the soft, vulnerable, loving, and caring girl she hid out of her fear of commitment and self-doubt. He saw the softness in her tone of voice, he felt the love and kindness in her hands holding a little baby, he envisioned her joyful childish side in dealing openly with her friends, and he was captured by the purity her genuine smile reflected.
“You will be mine, Amina”, he determinately told himself with a full smile on his face holding his hands towards Amina coming towards him to say Goodbye to leave the gathering.