How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the first best-selling self-help book ever published. Written by Dale Carnegie(1888–1955) and first published in 1936, it has sold over 30 million copies worldwide, and went on to be named #19 on Time Magazine’s list of 100 most influential books in 2011. The original book contained sections providing colorful anecdotes and insightful wisdom. It gave instruction in handling people, winning friends, bringing people to your way of thinking, being a great leader, and navigating home life successfully.

Twelve Things This Book Will Do For You

what you expect from this book after reading. Here are 12 points which preceded the main content of the book, showing a prospective reader what to expect from it.

  • Get you out of a mental rut, give you new thoughts, new visions, new ambitions.
  • Enable you to make friends quickly and easily.
  • Increase your popularity.
  • Help you to win people to your way of thinking.
  • Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things done.
  • Enable you to win new clients, new customers.
  • Increase your earning power.
  • Make you a better salesman, a better executive.
  • Help you to handle complaints, avoid arguments, keep your human contacts smooth and pleasant.
  • Make you a better speaker, a more entertaining conversationalist.
  • Make the principles of psychology easy for you to apply in your daily contacts.
  • Help you to arouse enthusiasm among your associates.

what lessons I learned from the reading?

Six Ways (principle) To Make People Like You .

We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?
 According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.

“There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it.”

What if, instead of arguing with someone, we admit their importance through appreciation? This can expand the other person’s ego so he can then become sympathetic and kind.

To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can:

  • Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven’t considered, we can be thankful it’s brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.
  • Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.
  • Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.
  • Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.
  • Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.
  • Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.
  • Promise to think over our opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking the time to argue with us, they’re interested in the same things we are.
  • Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.

Along similar lines of not engaging in arguments, we should also avoid telling someone that they’re plain wrong. If we begin by announcing that we’re going to prove something to someone, we’re essentially telling them that we are smarter than they are and we’re going to teach them a thing or two and we are openly announcing that you are wrong. so avoid this habit.Give respect to other people.

“If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel you are doing it.”

Carnegie tells a story of a computer department manager who was desperately trying to recruit a PhD for his department. He finally found the perfect candidate, but the boy also had offers from much larger and better known companies. When the boy told the manager that he was choosing his company, the manager asked why.

The boy explained: “I think it was because managers in the other companies spoke on the phone in a cold business-like manner, which made me feel like just another business transaction. Your voice sounded as if you were glad to hear from me … that you really wanted me to be part of your organization.”

A simple smile can go a long way.

you see how friendly behavior of manager comes to impress boy and he joined them only his behavior. we can make people like us by our smile and well behavior, friendly attitude.

Practice Principle 2:

This one is simple: Challenge yourself to smile at someone every hour of the day for a full week.

Principle Overview:

A person’s name is a very powerful thing — it’s an embodiment of that person’s identity. It’s a reference to them. So remembering and using someone’s name is a great way to make that person feel important.

“The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.”

Calling someone by their name is like paying them a very subtle compliment. Conversely, forgetting or misspelling someone’s name can have the opposite effect and make it feel as though we are distant and disinterested in them.

Remembering and using people’s names is also a critical component of good leadership. The executive who can’t remember his employees’ names can’t remember a significant part of his business, and is operating on quicksand.

Yet, most people don’t remember names for the simple reason that they don’t put in the effort to. We make excuses that we are too busy. We are introduced to a stranger and forget his name only a few minutes later.

“The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.”

Here at Amal we start our fellowship by remembering fellows name and try to call every person by name. For this purpose we did many group projects and activities, there output is just to know each on name and familiar with our fellows.Our PM and PA always encourage us to call everyone by it’s name.

Practice Principle 3:

Next time you meet someone new, make a sincere effort to remember his/her name. Repeat his/her name several times and try to associate it in your mind with his/her features or expression, or something you’ve learned about her.

If it is an uncommon name, ask his/her to repeat it or spell it for you. Then write it down later so you can visualize the name too.

Principle Overview:

Carnegie explains that he once attended a dinner party where he met a botanist whom he found to be absolutely fascinating. He listened for hours with excitement as the botanist spoke of exotic plants and indoor gardens, until the party ended and everyone left.

Before leaving, the botanist told the host of the dinner party that Carnegie was a “most interesting conversationalist” and gave him several compliments.

Of course, Carnegie had hardly said anything at all. What he had done was listen intently. He listened because he was genuinely interested.

“And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk,”
Carnegie notes.

Take for example, a store clerk. If the clerk constantly interrupts and irritates customers, those customers are more likely to start arguments and bring frustrations and complaints to the store manager. But a clerk who is willing to listen could calm even a customer who storms in already angry.

Most of us are so concerned with what we are going to say next that we don’t truly listen when someone else is speaking. Yet, most people would prefer a good listener to a good talker.

“If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.”

Remember that the people we are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their own problems than they are in us and our we should listen them as a good listener.

Practice Principle 4:

Next time you have a conversation, pay attention to how much of the conversation is you talking vs. the other person talking. How much listening are you doing?

Aim to do 75% listening and 25% talking.

As you practice this, pay attention to what causes you to jump in with more talking. Are you filling awkward silences? Do you tend to get carried away when you tell stories or share ideas? Think of some ways you can encourage the other person to do more of the sharing.

Principle Overview:

We now understand that people like to talk about themselves and have others be interested in them. The next best thing to talking about themselves is talking about the things that they enjoy.

Whenever Theodore Roosevelt expected a visitor, he would stay up late the night before, reading up on whatever subject he knew particularly interested his guest. And that is because Roosevelt was keenly aware of the following idea:

“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

Carnegie describes a story from a man named Edward Chalif, who was planning to ask the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay for his son to go on a Boy Scout trip.

Before Mr. Chalif went to see him, he had heard that this man had drawn up a check for a million dollars, and that after it was canceled, he had had it framed. Upon meeting the man, he mentioned how much he admired the check and would love to see it.

The man was thrilled! He talked about the check for some time, until he realized he hadn’t asked why Mr. Chalif was there to see him. When Mr. Chalif mentioned his request, the man agreed without any questions and even offered to fund the trip for several other boys as well.

Mr. Chalif later explained, “If I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.”

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests benefits both parties.

How often do we notice someone who looks very down, or bored — perhaps someone whose job is very repetitive or someone whose boss doesn’t give him or her much recognition? Maybe it’s a store clerk, or the mailman, or our hair dresser. What could we say to that person to cheer them up?

We could think of something about them that we honestly admire. This might sometimes be difficult with a stranger, but we should push ourselves to think of something, and mention it to them.

When Carnegie describes having this type of interactions with a stranger, he notes that many people have asked him what he was trying to get out of the person. His response:

“If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return — if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.”

In other words, we should all be happy — and excited — to do something for someone else when they can’t do anything for us in return. As we’ve reiterated throughout each of these principles,the one all-important law of human conduct is to always make the other person feel important.

And just as the Golden Rule states, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Practice Principle 6:

Find someone who doesn’t appear to be having a good day — perhaps a demotivated colleague, an overworked waitress, or a man selling newspapers on the corner. Go out of your way to offer words of kindness to that person through a genuine compliment. Aim to do this at least once every day.