Scientists: Please Invent The Brain Reading Thing As Fast As You Can

Scientists, you people are science incarnate. You’ve really done some science, which is why you’re being called scientists by me right now. Great work! You folks found out that strep throat is actually the first step to perfectly editing genomes. Virtual reality is a legitimate thing now because of your various work in different fields, culminating in the next generation of technology.

So riddle me this. Why don’t we have the thing that reads what your brain is seeing yet?

I have the perfect, most vivid scene floating around in my brain right now: A giant wizard, coming out of the top of a castle. The fleshy, weird computer in my skull is going hog wild with imagination at this very minute. If I can visualize something like that using the little electrical blips and zaps that my body is sending to my brain, why can’t you just steal those zaps and make them show up on a monitor? You’ve already figured out how to charge smartphones and other devices with magnetic power. Come on.

Now, some of the scientists in the world have already tried to make this machine. I’m glad that there’s work being done on it, but I don’t care what a person’s face looks like! I can walk outside and see a face. You can’t walk outside and see a castle with, like, a huge wizard coming out of it. That’s not feasible.

Close enough.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m definitely not trying to undermine your achievements as a whole unit of scientists. Right now there’s a man in the world who can control both of his prosthetic limbs with his mind. You made it so a guy can hear color. He can discern a visual element of life with his ears. There’s another guy with a robotic eyeball. A cyborg eye! That’s wild! You’re so good, scientists.

But not good enough.

Scientists, come on. I’ve just learned about ‘aphantasia’, which is a mental condition in which your brain absolutely cannot visualize things and show them to you in a hazy brain-movie. With all of the other obstacles people face in life that you’ve absolutely decimated with beautiful solutions, you can’t fix aphantasia? Put your big, beautiful brains into a hive-like mass and get to work! As soon as you fix aphantasia, you’ll be able to make the incredible brain machine that I’ve dreamt of ever since I learned that I could dream about things. Then, and only then, can you plug me into that baby and I can show you this wizard castle thing. It’s great. You’ll love it.

It’s like this, but good.
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