Spoorts

Sprots are good. They’re for when you want more points than the other spordte enthusiasts and you just can’t stop exactly how many numbers show up at the bottom of the screen on a television. The spært are good and here’s some of them here:

Skate Boarding

Now you might be thinking to yourself that, if you do a kickflip, there’s no way that you will be able to do that same kickflip better than the other mans.

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I once owned what is colloquially known as the “Play Station 2: The second Play Station from Sony” which is the second Play Station from Sony. Boy howdy, I got 300 points for every kickflip on “TONY HAWK IS DOING A KICKFLIP AND YOU CAN TELL HIM TO WITH YOUR BUTTONS CONTROLLER” the videogame. In that game Tony Hawk is your little mannequin boy and your nimble hands control his board-limbs as he does flips and twirls around a local marketplace, or church.

In Real Life, if you do a kickflip at a church, you go to Hell instantly. Don’t do a kickflip at a church unless you’re a high enough level (30+) with powerful equipment, so you can easily defeat Diablo and claim the Soulstone as your own, which is how you get 1000 Points (this strategy is referred to as the Garry Kasparov Classic.)

Go, kid, go! Get those points. Win the thing.

Wilderness Survival

If you do good at this one, you get a TV show like Man vs. Ten Big Spiders or Zaboomafoo and so a lot of people like to compete as Independent Athletes but you don’t get any points for being eaten by bears or dying in an old bus, so that’s why there’s only like two TV shows about surviving in the wilderness.

You get 1000 Points if you can chew through a tree trunk and push the tree downriver until it picks up enough momentum and smashes into a mountain lion (this is called the Garry Kasparov Maneuver.)

Step two of Kasparov’s finest Wilderness Survival move.

Very Fast Shopping

Guy Fieri made this one a reality because he once told someone to rip open a bag of rice and balance every grain on the grid of a shopping cart without letting any of the grains fall to the floor below. That person was supposed to push the cart to a self-checkout station and scan an immensely tiny barcode on every grain, put them all back into the bag, scan the bag itself, and then dump the newly purchased bag of rice into their mouth, letting the legally purchased grains of rice marinate in their saliva until it was soft and malleable, at which point the Shopping athlete was to form all of those grains into a ball, shoot that out of their mouths into a nearby basketball net, and have it perfectly land into a pot of boiling water without the ball splitting apart, not even by a grain. This nets you 1000 Points and has been aptly named the Garry Kasparov Struggle.

Pictured: Fieri, obliviously spilling rice everywhere.

Shotgun

Not really sure about this one but I did see a guy on TV with a shotgun once so that may have been a CRIME DRAMA (potentially illegal to watch on television) or a SPOART (very good to watch on television.) I made up rules about this speurt: If you have a shotgun, and you keep hold of it during the whole speort, you get 1000 Points. I told my dad about my spoaghrt rule and he said that this was called the Quickest Way To Go To Prison but I quickly renamed it to the Garry Kasparov Endurance Skill because I know more about these things than my father, who I deeply respect but do not love.

Potentially a sproat???? Or a crime…….

Loving Your Father

Dad told me, his son, that loving your father is a Zport but he talked really slowly about it like he was making it up as he went. He did tell me that the last athlete to REALLY love his father was Garry Kasparov, who got 1000 Points for the deftly executed move, which to this day has been known as the Garry Kasparov Dad Technique, so there may be a grain of truth to this unlovable man’s sorrowful words. However, I just won’t believe it until I see it on the big ol’ TV itself.

I send this image to my father every Father’s Day via e-mail, but he stopped opening those e-mails a long time ago.
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