Affirmation

I take the left turn onto Dodd Street as a beautiful man, or what appears to be a beautiful man, meanders out of the corner bodega next to №1 Chinese. I find myself rubbernecking for a moment to come up to a double parked car on a one way street.

I compose myself because I understand that the rain, the rubbernecking, the double parked car, and the one way street are not in my favor for safety for the precious cargo I currently have riding along with me in my 2008 Sienna.

The kids and I make it through this narrow moment listening to the awesomeness of Jidenna’s Classic Man, not the Kendrick Lamar version, but it’s still fantastic.

I need these moments because knowing that I feel so void of attention and realization that I am still not sought after, I need to figure out what my threshold is as well as what my interests are in myself.

Finding that I spout so much female independence but I find myself equating myself to extra help like a nanny or babysitter, I am disgusted with myself and how far I have slipped with not doing me all this time. That is changing and it will be beautiful.

I have received so much love and attention from a purposefully selected few women in my life and knowing that what I am going through doesn’t leave me so alone because they, too, have gone through it to a degree, I still find myself drawn to wanting what can’t possibly be given at the moment.

I made a youtube list of songs that I labeled “Affirmation” because I am finding that I need to be affirmed in so many ways right now because I am currently floating on a cloud of 100% insecurity, intense fear, and self-lies. Music is what is getting to me better than anything, even therapy, and I am trying to find ways to sing it out loud, create it in my poetry, or hopefully dance it out, if my friend Rose can get her classes started.

Affirmation from him means so many things at the moment. I always pictured it to be what words were carefully chosen to lift me up but I am finding it has encompassed so many more things. Songs, grabbing my hand, encouraging me to play Rocket League even though I suck so bad, spooning me at bedtime, a single text of a work related conversation, talking sports with me, saying thank you when I touch him, helping me cook dinner, arriving at home earlier because 5:30 was the time he left, not scheduling other things, and seeking marriage and self therapy.

I am finding myself so much more because I am not letting my cup be filled by something that can’t be brought forth in my current reality by someone else. I know what I have done to make his path happen and that being at the place of stability and knowledge was fully affirmed by what I brought to the table. I am owed that equal respect and I am starting to get that.

I do know that if I am in a marriage that I need to be wanted 100% even if an introvert is involved. Even when the perils of power are waged against something so pure, that I have the understanding that no one is above ego, not even myself.

Affirmation is what I need but I am well aware that affirming myself is what will get me through this life, what will help me raise non-jerkholes for future generations, and will also sharpen me to be the best me.

I will continue to add to my “Affirmation” playlist. There is so much good music that isn’t mainstream or even in english that I must uncover to continue to awaken and shake my soul.

If anyone is interested, my solid jam at the moment is Yuna’s Mountains. It makes my heart swell and quiver so much lyrically, and even though this song is from 2014, she remains fresh with her sound and facial expressions. LOVE.