(pt two)

782 days ago, I published my coming out letter.

(Holy shit, it’s been over two years since I came out.)

In that time, I’ve grown a lot as a person; I’ve come to terms with some personal and mental things I’ve been dealing with for a long time. I’ve also learned a lot about my place in the world and society, and how I fit in. I may be gay, but I’m still white and still pass as cis. Unless told otherwise, people just assume I’m any other straight white guy, and this has a profound impact on how I view and am treated by the world around me. Despite what I may be struggling with on my own, I’m still in the best position someone living in this country could be in. I’m never going to forget that, and I try not to take that for granted.

Two years ago, I knew I was gay; I like guys, and that was that. However, as I’ve been exposed to more of the world and learned more about the wide spectrums of gender and sexuality, some things have cleared up over time. Since last year, I’ve been liking the idea of leaning more towards the center in terms of gender. I don’t associate with a lot of what’s traditionally considered masculine, and being that gender is just a checklist of things we’re expected to identify with from birth, it doesn’t really feel right to me.

So, I am trans.

More specifically, I am nonbinary.

I don’t see myself as either male or female, but I’m definitely more masculine-leaning than I am feminine. Because of this, I still feel comfortable identifying as gay. I’m attracted to masculine-presenting people; cis men, trans men, nb dudes like myself, it doesn’t matter. I’ve come to realize that someone’s biological sex has no real bearing on my attraction, but rather how they present.

This means I’m cool with being addressed as male, but neutral pronouns (they/them) are also appreciated.

I’ve also been going by Max. It’s a more androgynous name, and on top of my good friend MDD chipping away at my self-esteem (among other things) until I despised hearing my old name, Max is a name I’ve always admired regardless.

This doesn’t change who I am, but rather how I wish to be addressed and plan to live from now on. I don’t know if down the line things may change, or if I might start to present, dress, or act differently. I’m not worried about that right now. I intend to always identify as what is best for me, and this is no exception.

I’ve met so many great friends over the past couple years, and have learned so much from them that I probably never would have otherwise. I hope that with this out there, even if I’ll never have to stop coming out (because believe me, I won’t), I can at least be more comfortable around those close to me. Sexuality and gender are fluid things, and I’m glad to have been exposed to some of the many different ways that people express them.

So I think, for now, I’ve settled on who I am.

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