10 Things to say to people who want you to quit drinking

  1. I actually have done the twelve steps…every day from my bed to the toilet.
  2. I just gave all my problems to God just like you recommended. I feel so much better! Gonna go have a beer now.
  3. If I stop than I have to worry about starting again and THEN it becomes a vicious cycle.
  4. I get to choose a God of my understanding! Cool, I choose Jagermeister!
  5. You shouldn’t take my inventory, but if you must you’ll see I’m all stocked up on Whiskey, Gin and Everclear.
  6. That’s like me saying you should quit thinking people care about what you say…nearly impossible.
  7. Ring, ring. (pretend to pick up phone) Oh, okay (pretend to hang up) My disease just called to tell me that you don’t know what you’re talking about and you’re just miserable so you want everyone else to be miserable. It also says you’re lame, irrelevant and super un-cool.”
  8. (Throw your beer on the ground and yell “Cured!!!)
  9. OMG, I’ve been waiting so long for someone to say that to me. So you’ll be there for me throughout the next four seasons as I ball up in the fetal position every night crying about my childhood and lashing out on you for not being here for me enough?
  10. Uh, no.