I dream in reality TV: BIP Edition

Dean, you @sshole! This guy has bigger daddy issues than Marty McFly. Remember this is the guy from Rachel’s Bachelorette hometown whose dad got off the Marakesh Express one way trip to crazy town? Dean could have gotten off in crazy town, but he kept going and now we have a guy with the emotional intelligence of a baby on codeine. Is it just me or did he smile like a cartoon Labrador that hit it’s head and spotted a ring of blue Jays circling him every time that Christina cried this episode. Speaking of having the emotional intelligence of a newborn druggie, unfortunately for Christina (cause her life growing up was f’d, she had to beg for food in Russia to survive) she also has the emotional intelligence of a baby giraffe with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and so watching these two try to communicate is truly watching the blonde leading the blonde.

I mean Dean obviously has resentments towards his dad for not communicating love and support when his mother died. I don’t blame him for that. HOWEVER, he’s responsible for turning around and being a sadist dressed in Abercrombie and Fitch clothing. Kinda painful to watch…Christina crying on a couch while Dean swirls Danielle L. around in the romantically lit pool under the moonlight. The producers are sadistic too for swirling all three of these people in my dimly lit room while I cry into my pillow. I wish Chris Harrison was here to interview me afterwards and make sure I’m okay. Actually, I’d be less okay if Chris Harrison was in my room, I hate that guy. I’m not sure who rubbed me the wrong way in my past that gave me instant PTSD the first time I saw Chris Harrison, but I’m pretty sure it was the host of Survivor.

Okay, so Jasmine is a furreak. I’m pretty sure on the episode Matt walked out of she was telling him if he just would “calm down and let things naturally happen” he’d find that he would gladly submit to a labotomy and become her willful property. Daniel has the emotional intelligence of a sociopathic sock puppet and the girl who likes him (the one who no one remembers her name) has the E.I. of a banana made entirely out of human skin.

In short, I’m super glad Bachelor in Paradise is being hosted by the island of Dr. Moreau this year.