The Automatic Man Pt. 3 — The All-Natural Man

The All-Natural Man

From atop a mountain standing out raw and jagged against the crimson sky the All-Natural Man lets out a primordial scream:

“I was born with my dick out and I’ll die with my dick out!” cries the All-Natural Man.

“I spread my asshole to the world, and a big fuck you to anyone who doesn’t like it!”

A leaf stirs in the foliage below and the All-Natural Man hurls his club with startling brute strength. A moment later his efforts are rewarded with a resounding thud as a large creature falls to the jungle floor. The All-Natural Man runs over to the dead beast, slices open its belly and begins devouring its still-warm flesh.

As the All-Natural Man enjoys his meal a rustle in the jungle announces the arrival of a newcomer. The All-Natural Man grabs his club and waits to see what sort of being will emerge from between the bushes. A few moments of silence pass, and then out through the ferns cautiously steps a man. But unlike the All-Natural Man, who is stark naked, this man has fabrics and skins covering his body. The newcomer slowly approaches the All-Natural Man with his arms held open as a sign of peace. In one hand he holds up a small pouch tied at the top with some string.

Should the All-Natural Man;

A) Kill the newcomer?

B) Invite him to partake in his meal in the hopes that this gesture of goodwill will lead to a mutually beneficial alliance?

The newcomer comes closer to the All-Natural Man, suggesting with his look and gestures that he means to offer the purse. The All-Natural Man takes this opportunity to strike the man over the head with his club, killing him instantly. What need has the All-Natural Man for truces or alliances? When he wants to eat he hunts, when he wants a woman he takes one, and when he wants to shit or sleep he does so.

The All-Natural Man recovers the small purse from the intruder’s dead hand. He opens it up and pours its contents out onto the jungle floor and is greeted with a sparkling shower of hefty gold coin. The All-Natural Man does not know the purpose or the value of this coin, but something about it speaks to him, the shine captivates him, and wanting more of it he follows the path taken by the intruder until he comes across a settlement located at the outskirts of the jungle.

In this settlement the All-Natural Man sees many nice things, and these nice things fill the All-Natural Man with desires. But instead of shrinking away from these desires, or living in fear of them, he decides that he should satisfy them. After all, the All-Natural Man knows that everything he wants can be his, he just has to go and get it. So this is what he does.

In this settlement the All-Natural Man witnesses for the first time the exchange of gold coins. He learns their purpose and their value, and that the coins are used to attain the things that the people desire; food, clothes, and sex. But most importantly of all, the coins bring power.

The All-Natural Man notices that those with more coin wear nicer clothes, so the first thing he does is purchase himself a fine outfit.

The All-Natural Man then finds a place to live with some others. But the All-Natural Man quickly discovers that the person who gets to scream the loudest is the person who owns the house, so he goes out and buys his own.

In need of more coin, the All-Natural Man resorts to using brute force to rob and extort others. But he soon finds out that this will have him kicked out of the settlement, or worse yet, landed in jail. So, the All-Natural Man decides to make his money legitimately — by joining a gang of slave traders. But it isn’t long until he realizes that the person funding the operation is the one who gets to call the shots and reap the rewards. So the All-Natural Man starts his own gang, and soon enough puts the first gang out of business.

One day, the All-Natural man is approached by a cult that speaks to him about the end of the world. But the All-Natural Man isn’t afraid of the end of the world. In fact, he doesn’t even believe in it.

The only book the All-Natural Man ever reads is called “How to Get Water to Run”. It is non-fiction.

The All-Natural Man knows that the impression others have of him is important, so he makes sure to always put on a good show in public and keep his credit spotless.

The All-Natural man awakes in the morning with the firm and pleasing belief that the world is there for his benefit. He spends the hours of the day in prosperous toil and the nights in depraved debauchery. The All-Natural Man knows that it’s not about being right, it’s about avoiding problems. He knows it’s about enjoying himself.

The All-Natural Man finds a woman with high social standing in the settlement, still young and supple enough to shape, and marries her, and starts a family — all the women in the kitchen, all the sisters and girlfriends very pretty. When you bring money and pride to the family, they honour you.

One day, the settlement where the All-Natural Man lives is attacked by a neighbouring settlement. As war breaks out between the two places, the All-Natural Man proves himself time and again in battle through his courage and ruthlessness. He is made leader of the army, and when the war is won, the All-Natural man is named King. Under the All-Natural Man’s rule the settlement grows and prospers into a powerful empire.

As the All-Natural Man grows old he becomes very amusing, and begins to tell all sorts of stories from his long and eventful life, and he is honoured by many who come to visit him and pay their respects and to pass his remaining years with him. And finally, when the All-Natural Man dies, the greatest artisans from the empire carve a solid block of granite from the mountain, a hunk of nature, into a sculpture of the All-Natural Man, and erect it at the highest point in the empire. And they portray the All-Natural Man as is only fitting; fully nude, with his dick out and his asshole spread to the world.

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