Am I Indulging in Enough ‘Authentic Conversations’ (?!)

Amrutha Viswanath
Sep 6, 2018 · 5 min read

People do hold onto words, because sometimes it’s all that they’re given.Today I felt, if I can’t be genuine with my words, then what on earth am I doing?

In the past couple of months, I watched myself and my friends go through unclear communication. Later, we were left to put together these unfit puzzle pieces to wonder what WE did wrong.The consequences for saying what you ‘do not’ mean are endless. I did just that recently, and it came back to haunt me.Unfortunately, as adults we can’t ask for a “do-over” like we did when we were kids.

The other day, I was thinking about a friend of mine, regretting all those times I wasn’t as as warm to him, as I should have been.Now, I wish I could turn the clock back and clear things the first or second time and probably say — “ I guess I’m matured enough to clear the air between us” or “ I’d love to talk, but can we arrange a time when I’m not so frantic?” How hard would that have been? But instead of speaking up, I resented and that set a negative tone, colored our relationship for a disproportionately long time.

When you and your friends got your signals crossed on who was going to pick up and from where, or as to where to meet and when, it creates unnecessary distress. Feelings get hurt, people feel awkward.Poor communication, (also lack of communication) can wreak havoc with lack of trust (probably being the most serious consequence of ineffective communication)

Okay, Miscommunication is a two way street.

Saying exactly what we mean isn’t something most of us are trained to do, we were taught the art of “people pleasing”- of saying yes, even if we mean no.

Racing against time to pick your friend up from the airport? Your fault for not saying you had too much on already that day. One of the worst things about failing to say what’s on your mind is that you’ve absolutely no one to blame but yourself!

I believe, that there are reasons for trying to unlearn those early lessons by not holding off from speaking our minds.I made a list of things for myself to beat things into my head, so that I do not make the same mistake again.

  1. When I have something important to say, I must avoid the jargons and the corporate-speak.

I need to get more specific, and be upfront on what I want to talk about. I need to understand that different people, have different motivational hot buttons, while I state my expectations and ask for a feedback. I need to set the ground rules, at the start of the conversation by stating that I want to get to ‘solutions’. There is a need to stop projecting my emotions and fears on to a conversation, and instead look at the topic objectively.( In short, I need to buck up and manage emotions)I must let others know, that they can feel free to communicate honestly, so that it opens the pathways to more effective communication.

“two people holding hands” by rawpixel on Unsplash

2. If someone says, “You’re not letting me finish my sentences!” it could be a clue that the other person is not feeling like you’re listening.

We’re not used to tuning our ears to listen to people’s emotional reactions, to hear their whiny, complaining stories from a perspective of, in their own mind or from their own perspective, interpreting your behavior negatively and (it’s) violating a value they have.

The fact is that biting back what you really want to say can be equal to hitting the self destruct button.

3. I need to see the bigger picture and ask for time before committing to something.

I need to stop overestimating “nice”. Being considered nice is always, well, nice.I need to pay more attention to — Did I express my ideas?Did I invite and consider other points of view? Did I listen to advice or ideas that I need to consider or act on?Did I ask for what I want by focusing on a solution?Did I share my objections or concerns in a way that the other person could hear me?

4. If I’m going to engage in frank discussions, I need to be prepared to hear feedback that I might not like.

If I begin feeling defensive, I need to be mindful of that and keep it in check. Is engaging in a conflict that doesn’t matter, going to get me to the goal I wish to meet?

All of us deep down, want to be truly understood by other people. Yet without saying exactly what we mean, we risk being misinterpreted. How many times have you looked at someone you know well and thought, “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t have said/done that”?

I don’t quite know, if my list helped you in anyway.You’re welcome to add more to the list.We never know where strong communication can lead us.

Thank you for taking time out to read :)

Amrutha Viswanath

Written by

Content/Copywriter. I write a lot in my head 💭 Pieces of content which make it out of my head, crawl into medium 🐌

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