it’s such a beautiful day

amud
amud
Nov 5 · 3 min read

I left my house this afternoon to go to college and in the second half of my route I started crying in the middle of the street.

I can’t quite pinpoint what it is that’s happening right now.

I’ve been finding myself smaller and smaller. I’ve been finding myself thinking and dreaming more and more about firearms. Been finding myself locked in a house I chose just like I choose the poison I eat for dinner. I’ve been finding myself watching more and more animated movies. Been thinking more and more about drawing but all I end up with are sketches of monsters and scary faces of weird happy people I wish I loved. I’ve been finding myself needing things people won’t ever really be able to give me. And I’ve been finding myself giving more and more of me to others and then taking myself back in a very rude and violent way when I realize they won’t give themselves back to me. I’ve been finding myself more and more alone.

And I haven’t been living as much as just stumbling into an image of whatever it is I’m doing. I’ve been having doubts about who I am and I’ve been regretting things. I’ve been finding myself fighting with a mirror. I’ve been finding myself banging my head against that mirror. Against walls. They never break and neither does my head.

I’ve been finding that old people’s heads look just like olives. Not that I want to eat them or anything. Also been finding more and more bugs at my garden. Finding myself looking way more at Tinder profiles than I should. I don’t really want to date but I’ve found that the best way to forget is to learn. I’ve been memorizing people’s jobs, occupations, zodiac signs, age, their sexual orientations, gender and most importantly likes and dislikes. Been having trouble finding what it is that I like and dislike. Been watching less animated movies.

I’ve been finding myself with a much more quiet and calm head with louder and louder songs. I’ve been finding myself letting poets lie to me. And I’ve been remembering. I’ve found myself watching horses in streets. And when I drink and smoke I can feel a taste in my lips exactly like the taste of your kiss when we drank and smoked together. I’ve found myself not missing anything. I’ve been finding myself blinded by lights that never flashed before.

I left my house this afternoon to go to college and in the second half of my route I started crying in the middle of the street.

Then, as I walked, I’ve noticed a sizeable group of prostitutes standing at the sidewalk. Didn’t really liked the way they looked at me but that’s not a problem. They were trying their best and unfortunately all of us seemed to be okay with the fact that their best was that. Their clothes all varied as did their hairs. But they where all similar in the fact they looked like they had been dragged out of a swamp. Their faces screamed stories I ran away from my entire life. Kids without homes and husbands without hearts. And guns. Probably a few guns. Fathers.

And the light switched green for pedestrians. I started walking again and as I stared at them one more time I just couldn’t remember what it is that I was crying for. One of them laughed at me and soon all the others joined with smirks.

I then found myself laughing back.

sign at an ATM
sign at an ATM
sign at an ATM

It’s a strange world this one we keep coming back to. And why wouldn’t we.

    amud

    amud

    confira ; o homem que menos escreve no país tenta escrever

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