Humor

We’ll just have to choose their leader for them!

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“The Buffalo Common Council will “explore” a city manager form of governance to replace the office of mayor….The report is due in 90 days, about two weeks before the November mayoral election, in which [the current mayor] is waging a write-in campaign after losing the Democratic primary to [socialist] political upstart India Walton.” —

As the council of Panem, we have decided that our current system of governance is not working for the people of our fine nation. And by the people, we mean ourselves.

The subjects of our 12 glorious districts just won’t stop with their…


Humor

My time has come!

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“In a sharp turnabout, federal health officials on Thursday advised that Americans who are fully vaccinated against the coronavirus may stop wearing masks or maintaining social distance in most indoor and outdoor settings, regardless of size.” —

Praise the lord! The CDC said masks are no longer necessary for vaccinated people, and I could not be more excited. I can finally get back to my favorite pastime — coughing directly into people’s faces.

Starting today, I can freely unleash my coughs onto anyone standing in my general proximity. They’ve been confined to my mask for over…


Take a journey with me down the path of enlightenment.

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Behold! It is I, your cooler, wiser, and therefore obviously vegan co-worker. I am here to assist you in your quest for non-dairy alternatives to your formerly beloved dairy products. Get ready for your meals to be 50% less satisfying in flavor and 100% more unpleasant in texture!

You have heard me boast about my triumphs in veganism before, for we have a small office and such auspicious news travels fast. Though you had shown little interest up until today, I always knew there was something special about you. …


I don’t even see what the big deal is!

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Hi there, it's me, your government official who you elected under the guise that if a real emergency were to ever come up, you could count on me to take care of things. So why are you calling on me at this ungodly hour?

It's not that I don't like doing my job, it's just that disasters always seem to happen at the most inconvenient moments. Like right now, I am on my way to the airport to go on a beach vacation with my family, and my phone won't stop ringing because apparently, a tornado outbreak has hit in…


Humor

It wouldn’t even be the least plausible thing about the franchise!

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11. Dominic Toretto

Dom could not handle the pressure of being President of the United States! He would use the nuclear codes to bomb the first country that makes a snarky remark about Letty, or family, or Los Angeles.

10. Roman Pearce

Similarly to Dom, Roman is too much of a hothead to hold the highest office in government. He would get into one snark-off with the wrong head of state, and all of a sudden we’re at war with god-knows-who just because Roman had to get in the last word.

9. Deckard Shaw

He’s more of a fighter than…


Please respect my privacy at this difficult time.

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I am here with the unfortunate task of announcing that the man formerly known as my husband is officially canceled. Why, you may ask? He committed the highest of marital crimes: he did not do something for me because I, quote, “Didn’t ask him to or even mention it in any capacity.”

This is literally the most heinous thing he has ever uttered towards me. Who can live like this? Do you see what I have been putting up with? I therefore have no choice but to call for his immediate cancelation. …


Humor

Without being absorbed by hipster nonsense.

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STEP 1

Go to a bar. Somewhere in Brooklyn, preferably Greenpoint since Williamsburg is “too mainstream now”. Ugh, hipsters. You just want to order a fall appropriate drink! Why does it matter what neighborhood you’re in?

Since you’re going to an alternate universe where handlebar mustaches are in and deodorant is out, there are some requirements to the bar you choose. It must have: a backyard garden where you will sit all night while nursing a single drink which pisses off everyone else who shows up later in the evening, those weird old-timey light bulbs hanging from the ceiling inside the bar…


Humor

Single-handedly destroyed my family’s legacy with one election.

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Tonight, at my family’s compound in Hyannis, I sit before photos of my famous relatives: my father Joe Kennedy II, my grandfather Robert F Kennedy, my great uncle Ted Kennedy, and Former US President John F Kennedy. I sit before these photos, I take them into my arms, and I cradle them while silently weeping to myself, because I have besmirched the Kennedy name.

I am sorry, Kennedy forefathers who came before me. I never, ever thought I would lose this election. I’m a Kennedy! It’s my birthright. Everyone in my family has been in Massachusetts politics since the pilgrims…


Humor

You didn’t really think we would just give it to you, did you?

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Dear student,

Your university is sorry to learn that you have passed away during the fall semester. We did announce that should this happen, any student would be eligible to receive their degree posthumously, similarly to Heath Ledger’s Academy Award. However, university policy states that you must now enroll as a ghost student in order to complete your degree. You didn’t really think we would just give it to you, did you? And of course, because we want to squeeze as much money out of you as possible, there are additional course requirements needed to obtain your degree post-mortem. …


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If you even remember how to talk to people anymore, that is.

  • Corona beer, which your friends will find hilarious but ultimately refuse to drink. Hey, at least you have friends to make jokes with again. And see, and touch, and feel.
  • The remaining red meat available at the grocery store. Invite the butcher while you’re there! And the check-out clerk, and everyone else in the check-out line, and the guy collecting carts in the parking lot.
  • 15 different pies that you made from scratch. You’re just hoping they love your pies so much, they’ll do that thing where they touch your arm when talking to you.
  • A football to throw around…

Amy Currul

Words in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Weekly Humorist. Co-founder of Greener Pastures Magazine. & @amycurrul on Twitter. I really like doughnuts!

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