Aug 26, 2017 · 1 min read
FEEDBACK 7
Feedback 7
Hello Jon
Oooh! I wasn’t expecting a voice from beyond the grave. You captured my interest! Creepy and cool.
One suggestion is to eliminate some dialogue. Here are some examples:
“I need a location ASAP on my current caller. A minor. Female. Possible 110-D-1. Please hurry. It’s a child.”
could become “I need a location on my caller. Minor. Female. Possible 110-D-1.”
“Everything’s going to be ok, sweetie. You’re hiding, right? Suzie, can you tell me your last name? Do you know your last name?”
could become “Susie, can you tell me your last name?”
One of my writing teachers reminds me that “less is more”. With less I think you’ll create quicken the pace and build the suspense.