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Revenge is never sweet.

It’s just one of those nights where the mind never ceases to talk: its subtle hum is as subtle as a brick in the face. I’m not alone, I know I’m not. There’re billions of people in this world and I know some of you are laid awake willing their mind to just shut up. Like me.

It’s not angry at me, it’s not sad – it’s in that in-between – that “keep thinking” stage.

People say to me “don’t let it bother you”… but I don’t exactly ‘let’ it bother me – it just does. It’s not like I sit here and deliberately think back to a time when I was hurt – left resentful – it just happens.

The mind is a beautiful thing, yet it can be so ugly.

Millions of years of evolutionary processes and yet it still isn’t something anyone can master, it still doesn’t have a picture so we can see it for ourselves. As an individual I hold my hands up and submit to it, letting it cascade through my conscious like a deadly avalanche clearing anything good in its path – then when it stops – it’s silent. I can think again, see reason again. That’s the irrevocable beauty of our subconscious – it battles for us without us even knowing about it. It’s only in our dreams that we truly recognise what’s going on up there, it is only then by looking at what you’ve dreamt that you can work out what’s been bothering you – the answer, if you will. ‘One can only see clearly in darkness by what we’ve learnt in the light’ – said somebody famous once..

Revenge is something that plagues me still, through all I’ve been through I still partly hold a vengeful heart. I won’t succeed nor give in to that vengeance either – because if I did then I would be no better than who they are that bother me so. I’ve been taught well: that karma does find its enemy well, the train does roll in on the track at 300mph wiping people right off of the map when they least expect it. I’ve also been taught that I should take no part in what karma has in store. And I won’t.

As time passes and I let go of things, I notice that ignorance truly is blissful – without it I guess we would each be peering through that gap in the door only to see furthermore what hurts us most. We can love from a distance as sometimes a distance between us is what hurts us less – less so than the pain that we would feel if we had them close.

Too close for comfort.

I’m good, I’m strong – I got this. I’ll be quiet so I can hear the karma train-horn blow in the distance: a deep & bellowing sound that resonates into your gut, to your lungs as it speeds past the innocent. It’s coming, slowly but surely it is speeding up along the tracks and biding its time. “Patience,” the hooded driver whispers, “you need not worry” he proclaims with a stone cold wink.

This train needs no coal, its fire is fuelled by the rage of many that have been scorned, hurt by words, by anger and it will not stop until it meets its target. It never forgets a person, it never stops – it just drives through the path of those it needs to meet.

Terrifying thought that train, huh? I always imagine the karma train to be like that of fire – ripping through anything in its path and destroying it at the same time. But maybe that’s my vengeful heart talking, maybe I’m the weird one for imagining what exactly the karma train looks like? Who knows, but one thing I know for sure is that it exists in the hearts of millions, silently we each hope it hits someone because they truly do deserve it.

And hit them it will.

Anyway, sometimes I do ponder the reason for life – not in a depressed way – but the purpose of existence. Like, does anybody ever wonder why a flower looks beautiful to some, yet to others it’s “just a flower”? Or how the sea is a terrifying thought to those who are afraid of it, yet to some they dive metres deep exploring it? And what about those that find the rain calming, yet to others it’s wet & annoying? Life is based on an individuality of personality. It isn’t about whether you’re black, white, angry, sad, happy – it’s about who you are on the inside, what makes you tick. What makes you – you. Are you a good person or a bad person? If you learn what makes you sad, and not revisit it – or allow it in – it shouldn’t bother you. Which brings me back to the “don’t let it bother you” sentence. That infuriates me because it does bother me. I don’t literally allow it to bother me, it isn’t a choice that I can make. I’m one of those women, like millions of others, that when I’m hurt I go full circle – so much so – that in the end I wonder if it was actually me in the wrong, “should I apologise” – no. I only feel that way because I’m a good person, busy trying to mentally see the good in people who do piss all over me.

I call that my “searching for reasons to forgive”.

Bad behaviour is about what you lacked growing up, and good behaviour is about what you didn’t lack. Sadness is about loss, anger, pain, and happiness is about having, receiving, just being content. (Insert Joey friends picture)

You can tell so much about a person by how they treat others, how they talk about others to you. It’s true. If someone talks badly of someone they claim to care about, to you, then they more than likely are doing the same about you to someone else.

If the people in your life that you choose to be there constantly let you down, then is it not fair to say it isn’t *everyone* who is bad, it is the people you keep choosing? Isn’t that a behaviour? Repetition? Change begins at home.

There are many things that go on in life that I have no control over, I’m okay with that, but I’m not okay with being wronged. If I’m wronged then I am completely stuck mentally with it: replaying conversations over and over until I can see what went wrong, or why they did that wrong. Advising me ‘not to let it bother me’ is a bit like telling me not to breathe – my instincts are to think about it. I can no more control my subconscious than you can control your lungs need for air. But I stay quiet and deal with it quietly.

That isn’t a dig to anyone who has said that to me, it’s just a self realisation that I work better if I talk about things rather than bottle. Bottling for me does me no good, it’s like shaking a Coke bottle then opening it, inevitably it will just blow.

I wrote in an old journal somewhere that “sometimes life really is like a beautiful box of chocolates, only I’m the coffee one, nobody likes the coffee one.” – At first I laughed rereading it, but then I became sad. I can’t believe I once felt like that, nor can I believe that people – be it friends or whatever – made me feel like something so overlooked and under appreciated. But now I see it as the coffee flavour is a unique taste, one appreciated by the few that do appreciate it, and that it’s about finding the people who do appreciate you. Why be like the rest? Learn to love yourself for you and don’t change for others.

It’s good to revisit bad times every now & then, only because you can see how you’ve come out of it – how strong you became. So I’ll end this blog post with the fact that yes, things do bother me but for good reason. Sometimes thinking deeply about a situation gives way to good perspective of it. When you’re angry in a situation, your thoughts are angry too.. once calmed, thoughts change. So it’s worth noting that revisiting situations when calmer minded, discussing them, makes for a good clear out of old emotions that sometimes clog up the mind making a vengeful heart.

Your heart needn’t be filled with anger, so why not spring clean it like you do your houses? Talk about those things that bother you. Sticks & stones do break bones, hell, stones break glass but it’s all fixable when the storm passes.

Fix you. It’s possible. Anything is with a good ear to listen x