A few years ago, I wrote an essay about desirability as a queer trans woman. At the time, I was really sad that my female body was constantly being othered and/or masculinized because I was coersively assigned male at birth. I felt ugly and unwanted, all the time. Romantic partnership was out of the question and reach. You see, even though transition had set me free from a lifetime of suffering, I still found myself trapped behind layers and layers of self hatred and internalized transmisogyny. …
an excerpt from “Her Name was Pearl” • a short story by Amy Heart
I just walked in the door from a long day away. I was so exhausted, but so excited to see you. You had gotten home 20 minutes beforehand with Mama. I tried to time it so I wouldn’t be out too late, but clearly it wasn’t soon enough.
“Sophie, you weren’t home when I got home,” you yelled while scurrying across the house. “Why weren’t you here to meet me?”
There you were, staring at me from across the hall in your favorite formal gown…
I’m a perpetually single, queer, 37-year-old trans woman. While I frequently experience deep emotional connections with other girls, I never dare to date anyone. The reason is pretty straight forward: I’m asexual. If you don’t experience sexual attraction, then why would you go out and seek it? Life is so much simpler when you are alone anyway, everybody would always tell me.
Except, it’s a lie. While I have identified with being asexual for most of my life, sometimes I crave something different — something new. That’s when I start to worry. What would happen if my biological clock suddenly…
There is this thing that cisgender people assume about my life as a transgender woman: that before I transitioned, I had male privilege. According to their interpretation of my body, the male privilege I acquired during puberty and freely used all the way up through my transition currently and forevermore informs and invalidates my understanding of what it means to be a “real” girl, and subsequently a “real” woman.
It was the Summer of 1987. I was eight years old, almost nine in three months coming. Up to that point, gender was a thing that I mostly ignored. It didn’t affect me, or so I thought. My heart was only ever about one thing: making art.
feminist • queer femme • mamaheart • #girlslikeus