Day #9435

Venting… Judging and Self-Purpose.

The audacity some people have, commenting and judging the lives of others with their own yard sticks. I wonder how it would feel if I did the same to them, if they would realise that their lives are flawed and imperfect, just like mine. Probably not. These are not people who share my level of maturity nor intelligence, and such, I shall not waste time trying to explain that while my love situation is not perfect, their “marriage” is in shambles. Nor is it my place really to tell them.


What do you do when you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place? When the person you want to hold on to for all dear life has to be let go for the sake of children? Do you let go because children are priority? Or do you hold on and be selfish? Can we not just have our cakes, and eat them too?

The thought of losing this person, the only person I can honestly say can withstand me for the rest of my lifespan and I, him, brings me to a dark place. If I were to be honest, and not selfish, I really don’t know what to do without him… Life is good, but what’s the point in spending the rest of it alone? No one to share experiences with? No one to come home to? No one to cook my crappy food for?

I guess I’m in a pretty dark place already, but me trying to explain this to someone who already has so much on their shoulders is not just selfish, but cruel.

What am I living for? What’s my purpose? I feel like I know it, but it’s clearly not enough to keep moving through this miserable life I’ll have without him.

This is the thing. I’m highly intelligent, moderately pretty, have a decent street sense and can hold my own in business negotiations. And I, Amelia Elizabeth Tudor, cannot find a reason large enough to keep fighting. My motivation isn’t money, status or power. I honestly don’t know what my motivation is, and I don’t have the luxury of time to actually figure it out. I have no kids, no family, no friends. I have a cat who is the biggest asshole in history, and the one shot I have at happiness is slipping through the cracks, and it actually has nothing to do with me. It’s just life.

Moral of the story kids? Life kinda sucks, so enjoy your childhood while you can.


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