Family Heirlooms, Grief and Healing
Use the Nice Dishes
Last night I drank my tea from one of my great grandmother’s tea cups. I even used a saucer, and I thought, “This is special. Why don’t I do this more often?” I’ve had her set of dishes for over a year, now, and it’s only the second time I’ve used one of those beautiful little cups.
The Positive Effect of Special Things
There is evidence to show that things can have a positive effect on affect, especially special things. Family heirlooms, for example, give me a “sense of continuity” or belonging, and “provide meaning and self-expression” or a sense of identity (Abelson & Prentice, 1989, pg. 365). These dishes, though redundant on a practical, functional level, connect me to my past; memories of hearing my grandmother’s stories about her grandmother. My teacups give me warm fuzzies!
Using Special Things for Special Days
So, if these special things make me feel good, why don’t I use the nice dishes every day? Why do I only pull them out for the holidays?
I should stop asking, “Why should I use the nice cups when I have everyday cups,” and start thinking of every day as a special occasion. There’s no better reminder than the loss of family to remind us that every day is a special occasion.
Fear of Loss, Identity, and Memory
Generally, I don’t use the nice dishes every day because of fear, mostly fear of loss, like accidentally breaking something irreplaceable. If I break something irreplaceable, I’m afraid I might lose some piece of my identity or a connection with my past, relatives, or memories. I might disappoint my grandmother, so I cling tight to her things so as not to forget. Someone else might break one, and I might resent them for it.
However, it is unhealthy to allow the fear of the loss of an item to prevent that item’s potential positive effect on my emotions. I need my warm fuzzies. It’s important to remember that memories and identity are not products of things, but rather extensions of memories and identity. Even without things, I remain who I am. Even without things, I retain my memories.
I vow, as this holiday season comes and goes, to at least think about leaving a few of the nice cups in the everyday cabinet and a few pieces of silver in the everyday drawer. I want to start thinking of every day as a special occasion and allowing special things to have a positive effect on my affect.
References
Abelson, R. P. & Prentice, D. A. (1989). Beliefs as Possessions: A Functional Perspective. In Pratkanis, A. R., Breckler, S. J., & Greenwald, A. G. (Eds). Attitude, Structure, and Function. (pp. 361–381). Florence, KY: Psychology Press.
Want to read more? Try
It’s Time to Count My Blessings (Instead of Sheep)
Learn to Crochet for Stress Relief
Instead of Watching Television
Originally published at http://gypsydaughteressays.blogspot.com.
