Effort

I tried to find God as I took of His bread
While told to hang my head low out of sorrow
But all I found was a strong sense of shame
Feeling that this grace was, at best, only to borrow

I tried to find God as I sat in His pews
Where my mind couldn’t help but wander
But I knew my heart and my sins, even then
And their relationship that would only grow fonder

I tried to find God as my friends bowed their heads
Convincing me there was good behind their tears
But the sensation they all insisted was joy
Had only spent a lifetime suffocating below my fears

One afternoon, I told you how I tried to find God
How I wanted to believe in this Holy Martyr
But you recycled words from the book you slid my way
Eyes glazed over, smiling, muttering, “Try harder.”