25 New Year’s Resolutions for 2016

  1. Find a razor that will help me locate my inner goddess.
  2. Buy all four Elena Ferrante books and leave them sitting on a shelf for, oh, the next three years.
  3. Learn to tell the difference between The Proclaimers and The Pretenders.
  4. Shut down a body shamer.
  5. Go viral for all the right reasons.
  6. Learn enough about The Wire that I can be like, “Stringer? What a ledge!” without ever having to actually watch it.
  7. Leave little to the imagination in a barely there dress.
  8. Single-handedly rehabilitate the hoverboard’s bad reputation.
  9. Watch Making a Murderer.
  10. Start the Making a Murderer backlash.
  11. Learn to walk into Brown Thomas without assuming the demeanor of a street urchin who has somehow sneaked into Buckingham Palace.
  12. Convince Tyra Banks to partake in an Easter Rising-themed photoshoot called the “Easter Smizing”.
  13. Convince Mary Kate Olsen to join Instagram.
  14. Convince all of Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriends to collaborate on a #longread about what it was like to date Nicolas Cage.
  15. Pretend to read at least 20 books, including The Goldfinch, which I’ve been meaning to pretend to read for some time now.
  16. Become a vegan and author a bestselling vegan cookbook called Are You Bloody Lentil? (Or, alternatively, Lentilly Ill.)
  17. Make the phrase “Janey Mac!” popular and cool.
  18. Learn how to tie big chunky scarves in such a way that looks chic/effortless and like I’m off to buy a latte. (And not like I’m being suffocated.)
  19. Learn how to tie a “messy bun” in my hair that doesn’t make me look I’m a mother-of-eight in 1940s Ireland who has been up since dawn baking soda bread.
  20. Accept the fact that my bras are inanimate objects and will not get their feelings hurt if I throw them out.
  21. Stop thinking of my handbag as a No. 7 Voucher Museum or Home for Unwanted Bananas.
  22. Buy custard creams more often — they’re cheap, they’re delicious and, frankly, I don’t know why I haven’t been eating more of them.
  23. Purchase a jar of olives in the first week of January. Try to open them once, fail miserably, and leave to expire in the fridge until if and when I move out of my flat.
  24. Remind myself on a daily basis that my sideboob is a temple.
  25. And finally, live by the mantra… “Eat slices of ham from the packet and go deep on that girl you went to secondary school with’s Instagram ike nobody is watching.” ❤

Happy New Year!!!!!