Elderly Care

Sapna Yadav
Sep 3, 2018 · 7 min read

When you live away !

You cannot fix everything!

Let life unfold before you like a new chapter of a story book!

My mother is a beautiful lady. She gave us a happy home and good values. She also taught me the biggest lessons in life. That of being a good host, that of sharing, that of kindness, compassion and to treat every body equally. I lost my father when he was 63 yrs old and it was very quick. Mummy also taught me flexibility, ability to adapt to any situation and not demand things.She has always been a vibrant person wanting to grasp all the joys of life. Mummy has been an exceptional grand mother to my sons! she has travelled extensively until 2 yrs ago she had to stop due to health related problems.

This learning that I am writing about is very recent. First I went through sadness, and did not want to accept that my mother will also go through the process of getting old and the possibility that she might have to live by herself. My mother who is 77 yrs old is sick at the moment. She lives in India. She has some problems due to age, like diabetes, blood pressure, heart issues. They are being controlled with medicine. But the psychological issues that she is going through,🕸 are very hard to get out of. She is in a web of obsessive thoughts. The thoughts are that she is going down hill and she will never get better. This caused lot of anxiety and Panic for her.

Mum lives in Nagpur, India. She lives in her maternal home on the first floor, the apartment belongs to her youngest brother. Her second brother younger to her by only two years looks after her very beautifully. He is like a father, a brother, a friend. He is 75 himself but still he does more than his bit.

I live in Sydney. Until 2 yrs ago my mum would visit us every year and stay with us for 3 months during summer. It used to be 45 degrees in Nagpur that time and so she preferred Sydney.

In her last visit, in 2016, she was very restless. At that time it appeared like arthritis was her problem. Restlessness was apparent. That is the reason that she lost her rights to medicare. She did not complete her 6 months stay per year to qualify for getting permanent medicare benefits in Australia. She wanted to go back to India. Then when she went back to India, she wanted to come back here.

My mum has been a beautiful and vibrant person with a positive energy. To see her in this condition of negativity was unbelievable for me. Only in the last two years did I discover her fear of Doctors. And that she would stop taking medecines for depression half way which was not good for her.

Recently me, my husband and our younger son, reached Nagpur on her 77th Birthday and threw a surprise Birthday party for her. Mum was swollen when we reached Nagpur. She looked confused.

First I took her to the hospital and got her hand treated.

When people get old and sick, they may not want to have visitors. They are afraid that they won’t be able to manage. Although there is nothing to manage.

We have to reassure them ie the elderly that, the family or friends who come, only do so for love and not to judge.

But at the same time we must ensure that our loved ones are getting enough rest and that their daily routine is not getting disturbed.

When my cousin’s wife visited along with my niece. I got courage. We talked things over. She knew mum from before so she was able to counsel her as well.

  • Every morning I would go for a half an hour walk to charge my self.
  • This is important. We must get away from the house and go back to the world, do a different activity. Looking after a sick elderly parent is tiring. Elderly parents do become like kids. They can only behave like that with their own children.
  • Elderly Parents may become irritable.
  • They may complain about food.
  • They complain about pain levels.

Strategies to make positive changes

  • Play their favourite music.
  • Give them food that they like.
  • Give them your time and less advice.
  • You just have to remind them of the good times you had with them.
  • Take them for drives or social visits if possible. Even if you have to engage a cab, its worth it.
  • Take them out to a Restaurant or Cafe, picnic, a short trip, a walk in the garden.They may come up with a hundred reasons of why they cannot. Be persistent as long as the reason is not a medical life threatening issue. If they have enjoyed going out before.
  • Buy them books or an iPad. They can watch their favourite shows on the iPad.
  • In countries like India, you can get a carer for Rs 10,000 from 9.00 am to 9.00 pm, usually the elderly will have savings or will have their children abroad. Getting somebody full time to care for their loved ones is a good idea. But first you need to get a trusted local person do a police check, interview, explain expectations, standards. Get a friend or relative to supervise.
  • You can also get a cc camera coverage, installing 4 cameras would cost you totally around Rs 20 ,000.You would need a good internet connection. You may have to pay a yearly maintenance charge for the equipment. This cc tv camera will give you full access to all that is happening with your loved one.You can watch it on your mobile.
  • Make sure that if you are in another country, make sure you make video calls to your loved ones.

Acceptance is the key!

For the elderly to accept that this is the normal stage of life and every person will go through it, this is very important. My mum had a tough time accepting it. She started thinking that a year ago she would travel anywhere and now she cannot walk.

We have to accept that our Parents will get old and transition into the next level. We too will go through the same process.

They cannot remain in this depleted form of energy for a long time. To wish that, would be highly selfish.

  • We should spend time with them talking about good things, about memories and experiences.
  • We can have Bible study or spiritual talk with them or we can organise somebodyto do it for them.
  • Mum felt bad asking assistance to shower, she was feeling dizzy.I told her that it is natural and every body needs help, don’t deny people the pleasure of being useful.
  • After spending a month with mum, I started getting abdominal pain. I realised that my body was getting tired. I had to tell mummy that I was getting sick and had to go back to Sydney. S
  • I had to leave my permanent job in Sydney so I could be with my mum when required. I have been three times to India in 9 months. I still don’t regret it. I feel happy that I was able to spend that time with her.
  • Because my mother was with a full time carer, she felt secure and I felt secure. It drained me emotionally to look after my mum, who used to be so vibrant and happy going through this pain. Now I feel happy that I have done my best. My brother along with my Uncle will soon make more informed decisions regarding managing her pain.

When I am depleted physically, worn out mentally, I cannot give anything positive to my mother.

I organised a full day carer from 9.00 am to 9 .00 pm who was educated and sounded confident and had experience. Mum took a negative stance yo her. But slowly she bonded. The carer was asked not to be loud and overbearing but to be gentle. My psychologist friend suggested a few strategies and counselled mum as well a few times. She also counselled the carer about their behaviour with my mum. Since they spent a lot of time with her, it was important that they use the right language with her. They had to be positive, gentle and motivate mum. This was required.

Soon it was time for my brother to visit my mum. He was making this trip from Washington. I have now left it to him and my Uncle as to what future steps would be required. Mum is in a safe place, with good carers. My Uncle lives downstairs. Mums condition is getting worse. She looks good on the outside but mentally she is in a bad state. So some symptoms are real and some symptoms are psychosomatic. It is difficult to differentiate which is the real one. Doctors will assess her situation and take a decision.

I talk to her everyday on whatsapp.

I see mum everyday on a whatsapp video call.

  • I am training my mind to accept and go with the flow. I cannot fix everything but I did try and make things better for her. That’s all we can do is to do our best, and God will do the rest!
  • 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Sapna Yadav

Written by

A dreamer, I dream of a world with equality and oneness. I’m an educator who is inspired by the innocence and open-mindedness of children.

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