Welcome to the Cougar Family. So Happy You’re Here.

Cougar Soccer United (CSU) has a proud heritage dating back to 2015 and it’s clear we are the best U17 team in the Tri-County region. Well not last year, concussions and Jared’s unsubstantiated rape charge, haunted us quite unfairly if you ask me. But, we’re psyched for this new season. We play to win. We support each other and we drive. Mostly we drive.

Since you seem to be hanging on the fringes of the pitch, we thought you’d want our “New Parent Guidelines” to help shepherd you through the process of acclimating to our youth soccer family.

1. Dress for Success. We mostly advocate for natural fibers but Lululemon performance layers are OK, if Moms pair them with a just below the knee, low heeled boot. No ponytails through baseball caps or Camo. It sends a confusing message to our kids.

2. Cheer supportive phrases, that won’t offend anyone, especially Barbara. Things like, “Go blue”, “Looking good Boys”, “Gotta win that one”, and “Find Your Cross, honey”, are acceptable. Or say nothing. Many of us do.

3. Large golf umbrellas are preferable to the telescoping kind. If you have one from The Greenbrier or Cascata, feel free to move closer to the tent Joyce sets up for each game. It’s the blue one with the Countrywide Mortgage logo. Do you own or rent?

4. We frown on collective food and beverage. Poor little Piper’s allergies have ruined it for all of us. But, no one wants to see what we saw last May in Utica.

5. Find something productive for your little ones to do during the match. Keep them in the car or provide them with a device. Swinging one another around by their hoods and throwing parking lot gravel at the Canadian geese are really bad choices. Any parent has the right to point this out. It takes a village.

6. We ask that you refrain from taking photos or video of your child. Bob has a photography business now. Bonnie got everything in the divorce and he’s having trouble making ends meet, poor guy. But feel free to post any of the pix you buy from Bob on social media or better yet, just search for his gofundme page, especially if your kid spends a lot of time on the bench.

7. Simple icebreakers with other parents include, “Which one is yours?” to whit you respond, “Oh he’s quite fast, or tall, or good looking or “beast” if you’re under 45. “How long has he been on varsity?” “Are you getting a lot of traffic on your CaptainU page?” Do not offer any information about your son yet, let’s see how he does against Albany.

8. Please do not bring a book or the New York Times Crossword to the pitch. We are here for our kids and if you really can’t be bothered, send your spouse, even if you haven’t spoken since the Murphy’s cocktail party.

9. Our refs are incredible and in the unlikely event a call goes against our team, remain composed until you are safely back in your car. Rants about clear violations should only be shared with your child. It steels them for inevitable, future disappointments and injustices that they also won’t have control over.

In closing, we’d just like to share a team motto…Play hard. Have fun. Everyone’s a winner, well except the losers, they suck. Go Cougars.