To-do: Shake the fear of judgement.

I grew up in a small town. Everyone knew my business and would form opinions about my situation. I was bullied by girls at school for several years. I counted down the days until I turned 18, so I could leave.

I’ve become fearful of judgement since around age six. It’s a filter, implanted in my stream of consciousness, that adjusts what I say and how I act.

I’m scared people will think I’m mean. I’m scared people will think I’m stupid. I’m scared people won’t like me.

But why do I care?

Even though I haven’t lived in my hometown for over a decade, I have the vivid memory of how it felt to be bullied and judged, and have done everything I can to avoid ever feeling that again.

But it’s backfired. The fear of experiencing that feeling has become one of my biggest limitations in living a happy life. Sitting on my therapists couch, swearing, crying, laughing and talking, I’ve learned that I’m an incredibly defensive person. I walk around with an imaginary target on my back.

I’ve never been good at standing up for myself. I find it hard to ask for what I want or need. And I suck at setting boundaries. It’s crippling for me to give someone feedback, because I never want to make the person feel… the way that I’ve felt for the last 25 years.

It’s affected relationships, both personal and professional. But that’s slowly changing.

I have a dear friend who constantly impresses me with her confidence, kindness and support. At a point in my life where I was presented with a fork in the road, she said to me “What do you need?” and “What is best for you?”

Instead of panicking and asking “How do I fix this?” or “What the hell am I going to do?” I asked myself those questions my friend posed and I was surprised by the impact of the answers. Just like that, a weight lifted off me. The nervous, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that I live with every day was gone. I was relieved, excited and proud all at once.

The fear of judgement is exhausting. It sucks the life out of me. Slowly, as I learn to not care if you judge me, I’m rediscovering things that I love. And letting go of the things that don’t give me life.

So I’m relieved to say that I’m on a different path. A path where one day I might not care at all that you have uninformed opinions. I’ll be just like Teflon. Your judgement just won’t stick.