I watched the movie “Everything, Everywhere, All at Once” and it inspired my existential reflection as of late, reaffirming a lot of the philosophies and outlooks on the world around me ever since I began conceiving little opinions in my early pre-teen brain. Like the song “Highly Emotional People’’ by Marina and The Diamonds, being hyper empathetic towards every point of view whether it had to do with the people who caused my trauma or how my own queerness or views towards religion might affect my loved ones, but at the same time putting a lot of pressure on myself to swiftly unlearn their hatred and not let their misguided and ideologies stop me from actually thriving. Living in the Middle East region of the globe, I couldn’t bear the idea of having my potential and youth spent in despair because of a faulty society that doesn’t accept anyone who doesn’t conform to its backwards social norms, and I had deep attachment and faith in the values I made for myself.
I think a major part of this has to do with how I grew up with three older siblings, and how I’d unconsciously register every decision they made, the same way Evelyn is portrayed in the movie, and whether or not those decisions turned out to be mistakes as they faded away from my life into their own adulthoods. I constantly feel like time is ticking and I have to make the right decisions, without any room for mistakes.
This movie spoke to me about the vitality of being honest to yourself, that it is okay if you feel like a mess amidst your chaotic life because you will not waste this one lifetime hiding in the comfort of your nihilism. From the youngest of the family, who has to pay for all of their pain, to the first-generation immigrant mother to her father:
“It’s okay if you can’t be proud of me, because I finally am.”
Jobu Tupaki and her deep pain resonated a ton with how I felt in my darkest days, absolutely rotting. The line “eventually that happiness all goes away”, feeling lost and alone while truly believing there is zero chance for something better was a soul crushing prison and for everyday you would feel that way more walls were built around that prison, the way during those months being stuck at home was just a whole lot of mindless media consumption, how depriving of emotion seeing everything, everywhere (pun intended) felt like. But despite that, there was bravery in how she cried out for help, why she still went looking for Evelyn through all of that noise; why I never stopped trying to find a way out of feeling lost against all odds.
To learn from this fantastic movie is to understand that if there are no rules to this life then there is nothing that says that you have to face your truths with despair. Do not let it matter to you if you have made all the wrong choices. You can choose to pay attention to your passions and the people and things that bring you joy, because no matter what path you take, you will always regret something, so continue to think independently, love passionately, and live authentically to yourself.
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus
