All that’s left are ashes

This is the time when I begin to feel that my wounds are healing.
Visible.
Itching.
A reminder of times past.
A reminder of what is no longer.
A reminder of who I am.
And so here I am, I am what’s left.
A soul trapped in a body with an ultra sensitive skin that literally and figuratively carries wounds for a long time. They become stains on my skin. They accompany me for years and when I forget about them they disappear.
I am ok with this, I am ok with my skin, my wounds, the memories, the past.
I am ok with this because I have decided that I may as well wear my wounds with pride. To learn. To feel. To move on.
And so I struggle. Some days are hard some others harder and there are times when things are alright.

As I begin to release myself from the past I am left with the present and the future.
My present was unbearable.
Unlikable.
Untrue to myself.
And so I decided to live more at ease with myself and set the ground rules at work to be able to do so. The terms were accepted and now I spend less time at work. I feel lighter. Happier. My shoulders and neck aren’t as tense. I begin to breath deeper. I begin to be more at peace with myself.
Now onto the outer peace. I have engaged in all sort of physical check-ups as to be fit and be ready to face whatever is in store for me. I know that what was endured wasn’t a fatal wound. Taking care of my body is tedious and a very white and hygienic process but I want to be well inside and out.

As my bouncing mind struggles remaining in the present I also look into the future. I am taking care of the seed, of my life project that is forming inside of me. I am tending this precious project of mine and nurturing it, loving it and cultivating it surroundings so it is fertile soil it sets roots on. It is with great excitement and potential that I look into the future while I work to create the environment I need to be in, in order to give birth to my dream. I am so ready for it and scared by it but I already love it. As imperfect as it’ll be I am ready to devote the needed time, energy and love to see it take shape and grow. For now the seed is during its gestation period, still inside me being fed from my nutrients, strengthening it with my work and hope.
I am all potential and hope.
I am hungry for change.
I may not be 100% to take other decisions, to make other changes but I’m on the right track. After all this period of pain, loneliness, fake social times I am begining to shed myself from what I do not need, from who I do not want to be.
The skin with the scars is mine and I don’t discard it and toss it away because it is a reminder of where I’ve been. Of the challenges I’ve faced. Of my strength. It is also a reminder of where I want to be, of who I ought to be to be at peace with myself, of who I’m becoming.

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