5 tips for dealing with difficult conversations
Thinking about having a conversation with your boss about a raise, to your partner about something that is bothering you or to your neighbor for being too loud often creates an unpleasant feeling. How do we start a difficult conversation without turning it into a fight?
We want to have a good relationship with our boss, and we care about our partner, neighbor, friend but sometimes we must talk about problems and what is not going well. Those conversations should make us feel better and improve our relationship with them, not make everything worse.
There are a few things people often do when having a hard time starting an unpleasant conversation:
Skip it
Thinking “This happened only a few times, it might not happen again. If it does, I will talk about it next time.” We procrastinate and postpone the conversation as if it will somehow become easier next time. It won’t.
Use subtle, indirect ways of suggesting that something is not right
Becoming silent all of a sudden, changing mood without saying why, leaving the room... Especially in relationships, we believe that our partner should know us so well that they are able to read our minds. That’s when the response to the question “What’s wrong?” is: “You should know what’s wrong” or even worse “Nothing!” While it’s far from nothing.
Say what is bothering you and leave
Waiting for the reply may lead to further discussions and fights which we fear, so we want to leave before it comes to that point. We think the person we said everything to will magically realize how right we are, have an epiphany and change their behavior based on that. They won’t.
All of this is completely unproductive.
The conversation is the key
We should not fear the conversation. It is the only thing that can lead us to problem-solving and better and healthier relationships. We can only deal with things that we know about. Being silent, assuming, guessing and coming to the conclusions without talking is a road to disaster.
No one teaches us how to give feedback and talk about unpleasant topics. Additionally, we have the urge to have a difficult conversation because we are angry, sad, disappointed, unpleasantly surprised by someone’s behavior. If these negative emotions weren’t involved, the conversation wouldn’t be difficult in the first place. Doing anything with strong negative emotions is not very smart. It takes a lot of practice and a conscious effort to be able to calm yourself down and take a different, calm approach.
How to have a constructive conversation?
Good thing is that you can learn to master your mind and to communicate in a constructive way. I will share with you a few tips on how to lead difficult conversations and what to have in mind. These are based on the great book Difficult conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen and some other psychological research I’ve been reading and learning from.
Understand another person’s point of view
The first lesson that NLP teaches you is that “map is not the territory” meaning that everyone has their own worldview, and even if we are at the same place, we might see things differently.
Before getting mad at someone, think about, or even better, ask them what their perspective is. Don’t assume that they did or forgot to do something on purpose. Have “What happened” conversation so you both can be on the same page. Maybe you are not seeing the problem in the same way. Everyone has their own interpretation of what happened and the reasons behind it.
“Difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions, interpretations, and values.” Douglas Stone, “Difficult conversations”
It always takes more than one person to create a difficult situation. Relationships are complex and it’s never black or white. There are so many shades in between. Even in the situation where, for example, one partner cheated on another, both contributed to that situation.
“Finding your contribution doesn’t in any way negate the other person’s contribution. It has taken both of you to get into this mess. It will probably take both of you to get out.” Douglas Stone, “Difficult conversations”
Realize what meaning you gave to the event
Often, it’s not the event itself but the meaning we give to the event that pisses us off. For example, someone is running late for a meeting with us. We see that as: “this person does not respect me and my time”. While that may be true, many other things can be true as well. Maybe that person had an emergency or was stuck in traffic they couldn’t predict etc. Someone’s behavior can mean a lot of things.
Morty Lefkoe gives suggestions on how to check if you are giving unrealistic meaning to the event. When you become aware of negative feelings or emotions, think about the event that preceded it and ask yourself what meaning did you give it?
First: Imagine 10 people seeing what just happened. Would they all see the meaning you did?
Second: What are other possible meanings for the event?
“The truth is, intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other, words, we make them up, we invent them. But our invented stories about other people’s intentions are accurate much less often than we think. Why? Because’ people’s intentions, like so much else in difficult conversations, are complex. Sometimes people act with mixed intentions. Sometimes they act with no intention, or at least none related to us. And sometimes they act on good intentions that nonetheless hurt us.” Douglas Stone
Talk about your feelings without assigning blame and judgment
“Engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like staging an opera without the music. You will get the plot but miss the point.” Douglas Stone
A good way to tell a person that something made you mad/sad/angry is to talk about your feelings. Say it in a from “I feel like this when you do this”. In most of the cases, we go directly to stating the meaning we created in our heads as pure truth.
We say: You are disrespectful, or you are irresponsible (for coming late). Saying it in this way makes other people feel attacked. We are making comments about who they are — their identity, and that’s very personal and offensive, so they just want to fight back.
How about formulating it this way: Coming half an hour late to our meeting made me feel like you don’t respect me and my time. Since this happened three times already, it makes me question if you are taking this seriously enough. Do you want to stop working on this project, change the meeting time or how do you suggest we solve this so it doesn’t happen again?
Formulated this way, you are giving the person an option to share their point of view and contribute to the solution.
Talk and make comments about a specific situation that happened, how you interpreted it and how that made you feel.
Turn “Why” into “What”
“Why” questions sound like an accusation and people get the urge to justify themselves. They feel attacked. Instead of asking “Why did you do that?” try with: “What did you hope to achieve?” Rephrase: “Why are you bothering with this?” to “What’s important to you here?”
This way you don’t want another person to justify their behavior but you are interested in their intentions and want to learn more without sounding judgmental.
Designate enough time for the important talk
Resolving difficult situations require time. Don’t start a difficult conversation when you have five minutes so you can “just get it over with”. Dealing with feelings and beliefs is hard and requires time. If you care about a relationship, leave out time for important conversations.
This is often hard in a business environment when your boss is very busy and has only 15 minutes which are actually 5 minutes because the previous meeting made them late, and they must leave for the next meeting soon. Don’t accept this. Be determined to reschedule the meeting at the time when they will have enough time to discuss what matters to you.
Be patient, use difficult conversations to learn about yourself and others and remember:
Building relationships is the most important skill in life and one of the hardest ones. In order for a relationship to last and grow, you must invest time, effort and be genuinely interested to understand another person. Nothing will be perfect just the way it is.
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