on agust d & feeling underwater
"It felt like being underwater, his vision clouded and he couldn’t reach for air. His lungs burning, his heart pumping heavy in his chest while his arms swung around and splashed and his feet beating against the current and his head trying to reach for the surface. That’s what it felt like, being hit on the ribcage by a strong wave of sinking feelings, too heavy, too much, knocking the soul out of his body, crawling its way out of his insides through his throat."
I wrote this on the 20th of June 2016.
This is what the last years felt like.
Just like the ocean, the tide bringing and taking away the corrosive thoughts burning away the hope, eating at my dreams and shattering me whole. Just like the ocean, the waves so strong it would knock the breath out of my body,my lungs were set on fire and for a couple of seconds, my vision would go so blurry I thought that was the last time.
But it's never the last time. The wave comes again, washes away the pain for a few seconds and it's like you know how to breathe again. But soon enough, the tide brings it all back around in a vicious cycle that gets you caught up in between salt and sand.
I didn't remember how breathing felt like.
And I'm not sure I do.
But today I caught a glimpse of the sky through the muddy water and it felt like I did. Like oxygen was coming into my lungs and like I knew how to make it run on my veins.
I can’t picture when was the last time I felt like a Writer, the kind with capital letters, Oxford commas and full stops. Today I felt that. I felt so close to myself again I could almost touch her, frame my fingers along her cheeks and tell her it’s going to be okay.
I felt open and raw, stinging from the pain of the air hitting my scars, cold from the feathery touch of the sky against my skin. Today I felt my lungs give in to the feeling of atmosphere penetrating its pores. Today I felt my eyes water from the mere sound of a beat and a swollen heart pushing against my ribcage from the amount of love.
I thought my body could never feel that again.
But I guess it can.
Cause it’s alive.
And I never felt more of it.