Birthday 31, or rather, Birthday 1
It’s my 31st birthday. Really, it’s more like my 1st birthday. How Sway? WEEEEELL, lemme tell ya. This birthday is the first birthday I’ve had since finding out I’ve been suffering from dysthymia, aka chronic depression, aka some insidious mess that I don’t wish even on the worst of my enemies. You see, despite all that, I’ve always been a problem solver. Immediately upon receiving this information, I asked the therapist, “Yo, so like what I need to do because I need to get better ASAP!”. Progress started in a rocky fashion because I was working a job I didn’t have any real business working in the first place. I didn’t know that, but it’s one of those things that you don’t know until you try. I tried.
That “failure” pushed me out of engineering and into data analytics! Every job I’ve had since I’ve loved. Everything in life has just been getting better, period. I have my moments still, but it is NOT how it used to be. I don’t dread getting out of bed. I don’t dread being a father. I don’t dread being a husband, and several other things anymore. My wife is a ride or die. I do NOT know what is in her that empowered her (Holy Sprirt?) to stay by me and the negativity that would spew from me so often over all these years, but she has and I am grateful and proud. Everybody ain’t able and I’ve even told her, “Look, I’m a piece of work officially. OFFICIALLY and if you gotta dip out I get it. I wouldn’t be mad. You can go be great.” Her response?
“A SHABBAB YOLOLOLLOOSKA SHOLOAMOSKAY, NOT TODAY, THE DEVIL IS A LIAR!”
I love her for that; being a strong Christian wife that, by my own understanding, I don’t deserve. Some other good things I’ve dropped include: I don’t party hard, drink hard, use profanity, or use the word “/\/!&&@” anymore. I’m a LOT more calm since dropping those things. I’m back in church EVERY Sunday and even active in it! Haven’t been that way since high school.
This birthday is different.
It feels like I’m having a birthday for the first time in being able to just be happy and enjoy the day, enjoy my life,and to smile at the fact I am alive and working towards positive things without any sourness or bitterness. It’s like, “OOOOHHH, this must be what normal people feel when it their birthday! This is lowkey incredible!” This is even with my wife and kids being out of town today and NO! Everything is all good lol. We discussed her visiting her family and how I’d be spending this day without them and it’s all good. I’m using the time to binge study Machine Learning. Them being here would have been best to celebrate but it’ll be ok lol!
This part is just as huge…Shout out to my family when I came to them and told them about what was up with me. They listened. They offered encouragement and understanding. No stigma. No, “quit acting crazy and smile, ain’t nothing wrong wit chu! You alive and breevin aint ya?”. They took me seriously and that is priceless. I smile at being that fortunate. So this birthday marks the first birthday of unadulterated enjoyment and reflectance upon another year graciously being added to my life. Shout out to ANWA Men’s ministry, Thrive Works, all my friends, all my family. Praise the Lord and thank Him for healing, deliverance, and therapists. *Relaxing sigh…*