The mind is a scary thing

Have you ever had this thought that your mind is playing with you? You decide on doing something, but the mind talks you out of it?

A few weeks ago I have decided to join a Toastmasters group. I want to improve my speech, my interaction with others, my communication and more, my fear of making a fool of myself in other people’s eyes, in public.

So, as some of you might know, joining this kind of group requires consistent attendance, meaninglful interaction with peers and selling yourself a bit. I have made some friends there, I became comfortable talking to new people and I tought I was doing great. But, as I know myself, I get comfortable with situations and people and never go farther and reach the initial goal, in this case talking in front of a lot of people. I am kind of lazy this way.

The wake up call came two meetings ago, when as a guest I was asked a few times by my friend to step up and give a 2 minute spontanous speech. Me? A spontaneous speech? Was he crazy? Obviously, he didn’t know me well. I had to play my fear episode before doing anything important: I panicked, I turned red, I started to sweet and hyperventilate. All the physiological markers of a panic attack joined forces to make me feel the fear. That’s when I knew I was supposed to just walk through that fear and speak. It didn’t happen!

I walked home embarrassed by my cowardice, but I decided that at the next meetup I will step up and do it.

The next meetup came and to my surprise, when the time of the spontaneous speech came, I was calm. I caought myself thinking: “I can’t believe how calm I feel, I am about to decide to talk in front of all these people and I feel good. What if I leave the speeck for next week. Now that I am not that affraid I can just read some more and prepare myself.” LEAVE THE SPEECK FOR NEXT WEEK?????? Is that what I was thinking? Yes, indeed. My mind was trying to talk me out of conquering the fear. My mind, realized that the physiological markers can only last so much and eventually I would speak through them, therefore my mind tried to convince me differently, using a more subtle method.

I STOOD UP AND MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF HALF WAY THROUGH MY SPEECH!

And, let me tell you, it felt liberating! As if I got a new super-power and I could do anyting I wanted.