The Art of Apology

One of the things that makes apologies hard is that we feel we’re giving something up — our dignity, our worldview, or the effort we put into an argument. This article comes from having made many poor apologies myself, winning at arguments but losing at life, and seeing how much a good apology, even if clumsy, tentative, and imperfect, has done for me and those around me. We live at a time when public apologies have commodified the art of apology, made it too superficial to pronounce elegant, tectonic shifts in our soul. If an apology, as I’ll try to argue, is a form of growth in itself, then it becomes difficult to reason that we shouldn’t make as many of them as possible. Here are some rules I’ve found useful:

1 | Mean It

An apology begins when you realize you can be better. Therefore, you’re always poised to make an apology. This is a good way to think about it, because it prevents you from saying things like:

I’m sorry you got your feelings hurt when I drank too much.

Importantly, don’t apologize for things you didn’t do wrong. The word “sorry” is used often when consoling someone for something you had no role in. It forces them to say “it’s okay, it’s not your fault” or “don’t worry, I’ll be okay”, because for that moment, because of your undue show of contrition, you are the one in need of assistance.

Here’s the beginning of a good apology:

I’m sorry I drank too much that day.

2 | Be Vulnerable

Use the apology to discover why the event happened. It may be hard to open up this way, but remember: when you hurt someone, you have, knowingly or not, taken advantage of their vulnerability. When you use an apology to dig into your own past and present, you show them that you are willing to be vulnerable to them, as well. If you do this part diligently, it will lead you directly to how to make reparations for your mistake, without them having to propose it to you. And, since it came from you, you’ll be much more likely to fulfill it. Avoid being too macrocosmic here, or else you won’t be left with any reparations to make, which is to your detriment. For example:

I think I drink too much because man is an inherently flawed animal.

You might instead add to the prior construction as such:

I’m sorry I drank too much that day. I think I drink because I’m trying to forget another source of pain I have. I need to find a way to deal with it and not cover it up.

3 | Propose a Clear Reparation

As alluded to prior, if you’ve done a good job with figuring out why you made the mistake, you’ll likely arrive at a few ways to fix it that take the same shape. If your statement of vulnerability is a vase, your reparation is the shape of the water that fills it. At this stage, as in the first stage, it’s important not to push responsibility for the reparation on another person. It will be tempting. For example:

From now on, if you don’t make me so mad, I’m sure I won’t be driven to drink.

Even if they did play a role in your mistake, you have to give them their own chance at an apology. By implicating them in your own apology, you lose the opportunity to find a path for yourself, and rob them of their own opportunity in the process. Here, we add productively to the prior construction:

I’m sorry I drank too much that day. I think I drink because I’m trying to forget another source of pain I have. I need to find a way to deal with it and not cover it up. From now on, I’m not going to drink, and when I feel most in pain, I’ll try to share it with you instead of looking for distractions.

4 | Actually Do It

Achieving your goal will be difficult, especially if it was born from a mistake you make often. Check in with yourself and the other party often. You’ve broken their trust, so it will be helpful to them to know that you saw how much you hurt them enough to apologize without them asking and keep them up to speed with your progress without them asking. Checking in will, invariably, become useful to you as well, as you redouble on your commitment each time you register their affirmation. An apology is not an act, but a process.

5 | Anticipate Mistakes

If you have truly embraced the fact that you’re never done growing, and that vulnerability is the key to your growth, then even if you haven’t hurt someone in a way they’ve articulated, you’ll want to find ways to be better to them. Once in a while, ask of those around you:

What can I do better by you?

Philosophically, this is a satisfying peak to the concept of apology, and elegantly highlights the commitment to improvement, even if the need for it wasn’t expressed around you.

If you haven’t apologized lately for something, you’re probably due.