My Confused Life — Search for Meaning

So here I was in Regional Engineering College Trichy, nearing the end of our first year in 1977. We had to choose our branch, and I had absolutely no clue. I don’t think my friends had either, except maybe some of the other batch mates. I asked a Prof if Chemical Engineering had good prospects, because I did not want to fiddle with machines or drawings (mechanical) or electric motors. The professor said something vague, and hedged his bets.

I joined chemical and enjoyed it. In our third year, calculators were introduced for the first time in college (or maybe even India). I remember solving equations like temperature profile in a cooler, and would feel intoxicated.

From my school days I was fond of reading fiction. From Enid Blyton, I graduated to Dickens, Jane Austen and other Victorian novelists. A passion for literary fiction grew in me. During a summer vacation in REC, I wrote my first short story. Once I had the germ of a story, the story simply wrote itself. It was published in Mirror magazine in 1980. You may read it at your risk here.

Influence of Parents

My love for literature and writing must have come from our mother, Umadevi. She was married off when she was 15, and her in-laws stopped her education. Fortunately, our father, Shankara Rao, got a job in HAL and they shifted to Delhi. Over time, mother honed her English, Hindi and Sanskrit. She wrote articles which were published in several magazines. Her first book of short stories was published by Masti Venkatesha Iyengar ( He was the fourth among Kannada writers to be honored with the Jnanpith Award). She went on to self publish several books. Our house was filled with Victorian novels, spiritual books and Kannada books. I gorged myself on the first.

She contracted multiple myeloma and passed away in 2008. A few months before that, she told me something that moved me deeply. She said it was written in my horoscope that I would take care of my parents in their last days.

Father was a silent figure, he rarely spoke. But his love and support for his children was abiding. He never stopped us from doing anything. Our parents inculcated strong values of simple living, thrift, spirituality and arts.

I must confess that the style of my short story was deeply influenced by the writers I was reading, I think they were Margaret Drabble, Katherine Mansfield among others. In our fourth year I applied to colleges in US like my batch-mates were doing, and got a lifetime admission to Univ. of Minnesota for Ph.D. and few other lessor colleges, but no aid :(

Someone told me MBAs earned over Rs. 5000 a month, and that looked awesome to me. So I wrote CAT exams. At the interview, I did not know several state capitals, but they saw something in me (I spoke passionately about what India needed!). I got admission to IIM Ahmedabad.

But chemical tech. was in my blood and after getting my PGDM, I joined Shri Ram Fibers in Delhi, because they made nylon yarn. I got bored, quit and switched to sales, because it seemed interesting.

A chance. While I was in Delhi, a young sardar, also named Anand, who I met at a dance recital, suggested that I start learning Bharatnatyam, since I was fond of it, and gave me the address of a dance guru.

I used to feel thrilled watching a dance, whether a cabaret in a Hindi movie or a classical recital. I used to do imitate the dance moves afterwards. I felt dance too was in my blood, and acted upon his suggestion. I started learning Bharatnatyam in 1985. Over the years I gave a few public performances, last of which was in 2004. I enjoyed learning and dancing, though I was not exactly noticed, leave alone feted, by anybody. There were times when I felt inspired on stage, and the abhinaya flowed of its own accord or my feet took wings. My knees were giving me trouble due to osteoarthritis and finally I stopped dancing in 2014.

I spent clueless year and half in Asian Paints, quit and took a shot at trying to start a company to make molded plastic items (again the call of chemical engineering). That did not take off and somehow because a consultant fixed an interview, I joined a software company in Marketing in Hyderabad. This was a start-up with its teething problems. I left after a year and joined Tata Consultancy Services. This was the first time I began to enjoy what I was doing. But got bored after 5 years and thought about quitting. When I got an opportunity to do international marketing, with its charms of travel abroad in PCL Mindware, I jumped ship. Now I wonder why I had not consulted anybody. Then, as now, TCS was the largest company. My next company kind of folded up. Now followed stints in several companies later, where things did not go well and I simply hung on grimly. I quit job and started Ananya SEO Services in 2009.

Currently I am delighted to be working with Maya Organic, which assists artisans and worker co-operatives to develop and market high quality products and services. MO works with lacware cluster in Channapatna, Karnataka to produce high quality wooden lacware toys, handicrafts. At the factory of Maya Organic, artisans of varying ages work on power lathes and craft these toys and decor items. Now, with the factory, things are more streamlined, and life is no longer a daily wages struggle. Earlier, artisans would make saada bombe (plain toys), but MO has designed cool toys and handicrafts, as these pics show.

You hear of start-ups that raise angel funds even before starting operations, simply on the strength of their promoters and idea. No so my venture. Digital Marketing is not an innovation, and clients won’t believe that I charge a fair fee, not when other SEO companies charge a seductive penny. So here I am wondering what to do next, so that I feel I have created a meaning in my life (read money or at least a press write up or an award).

Around 2010, I started dreaming seriously about trekking. I have not actually managed to go on a trek because I could not get company and I hate organized treks. I have managed to do some day hikes, during trips with my family, which consists of my sister and elder brother.

Another Chance. Along came TOI short story contest in 2015. Though I had misgivings about the judges (the likes of Amish and Chetan Bhagat), who I was sure couldn’t appreciate my genius, I wrote two short stories. Sadly they did not make even make it to top 10 :( But you dear reader can read my first submission here https://anandraostories.wordpress.com/ ). The second one, I rewrote, and am hoping to get it published in a literary magazine.

Yet Another Chance. Though during my college days I aspired to become a writer, I gave up early any hope of ever writing a novel. One day my sister insisted I watch a program on TV on a woman social entrepreneur she had consulted with. I was impressed by what this lady had done (set up a unit where women make handicrafts and such like, and a women’s bank. I exclaimed that someone should write her biography. My sister asked “Why don’t you write it”. However my muse did not take up my offer.

I realized we knew another worthy subject — Dr. C R Chandrashekar, the well known psychiatrist. My sister volunteers as a counselor at Samadhana, the free counseling center founded by him. Fortunately, he agreed readily.

I am now trying to get the book published, and have been receiving regret emails. The wretched publishers don’t seem to realize that this is a meaningful book on the life of Dr. CRC, who after his retirement from NIMHANS, has been providing free counseling and consultation in Samadhana, which was founded by him, unlike the biographies of politicians and film actors, the deal for which get signed even before the writer starts writing.

There are several detailed case studies of people who suffered from mental disorders and came to Dr. CRC for help. A surgeon who overcomes schizophrenia to establish a successful practice; a devoted husband who has been taking care of his wife for over 30 years, who has paranoid schizophrenia and suspects him of having affairs; a software engineer who becomes depressed and seeks help of an acupuncturist, who convinces her that an astral body had attached itself to her, which was the cause of all the negative events happening around her; a young man who suffers from bipolar disorder, quits his job and was unable to take of himself — these are some of the case studies narrated. The objective is to remove the stigma attached to mental disorders and to make people understand that these can be treated successfully.

Based on my talks with Dr. CRC and reading about mental illness, I wrote a third short story. The writing of it was an amazing experience, I almost wrote in a trance — the words seemed to come of their own accord.

This year I hope to do a real trek, maybe to Har Ki Dun. If you are interested in joining me, I would love to hear from you!

Meaning Of Life Unraveled

In this bhava sagara — Ocean of Samsara (Worldly Existence), we are constantly buffeted by doubts, confusions, desires, regrets about the past, anxiety about the future. Sometime, mid-way in life, when man faces his mortality, he seeks the meaning of life, what should he be doing in life?

We need some wise words, some mantra of life to steady our confused mind. From my readings, I offer a few. The first is from ‘MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING’ by Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived Nazi death camps.

What was really needed was a fundamental change
in our attitude toward life. We had to learn ourselves
and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men,
that it did not really matter what we expected from life,
but rather what life expected from us. We needed to
stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to
think of ourselves as those who were being questioned
by life — daily and hourly. Our answer must consist,
not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in
right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility
to find the right answer to its problems and
to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each
individual.
These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ
from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus
it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general
way. Questions about the meaning of life can never be
answered by sweeping statements.

The second is the mantra by Dr. Chandrashekar, which is also the concluding para in my book. His mantra, which he teaches everybody and follows himself is MENTAL HEALTH :

M : Minimize your needs. Lead a simple life

E : Expect less

N : Avoid negative thoughts

T : Today is important. Stop worrying about yesterday or tomorrow

A : Accept and adapt to reality

L : Learn to face adverse life events

H : cultivate hobbies

E : Enjoy your work and responsibilities

A : Appreciate goodness in everybody and be Active

L : Keep learning always. Love everyone

T : set achievable targets for yourself

H : Maintain good health through proper diet and exercise. Follow a Healthy lifestyle.

The third is from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

Your Life has an inner purpose and outer purpose. Your inner purpose is to Awaken. You share that purpose with every other person in the planet. Your outer purpose can change from over time. Finding and living in alignment with the inner purpose is the foundation for fulfilling your outer purpose.