And what really counts instead.

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After trying out the waters in different countries, on different apps, and at different ages and stages in my life, here’s what I look for on a date with a man.

I was running as fast as I could away from my ‘feminine,’ which I considered weak.

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When I got married I had zero relationship skills. I was an atheist-leaning scientist; I had never taken a single class in psychology, emotions, or communication skills; and I adamant I would not be pigeonholed because of my female biology, so I walled it off inside of me.

Yet I was marrying a therapist. While I had the hard-hitting scientific career, he had attended a Buddhist university where exams involved meditation.

He was the one interested in processing and personal growth work. I had grown up in an environment that was actively hostile to all of that.

Even in our…

I grew up feeling like a sex object.

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I grew up feeling like a sex object.

I was harassed constantly.

I cut my hair short to be less attractive and stopped wearing heels — so I can run at a moment’s notice if I had to.

I tried to avoid men and thought perhaps I would only date women. Women were interested in all of me. Men would follow me down the street and make kissy noises or even bark at me.

I got the message day-in, day-out that biology was my destiny and I was just there to look pretty.

I received a PhD in science but…

There’s really only 1 thing you need to know

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One of the biggest frustrations my clients (who are mostly men) come to me with is how to communicate with their partners (who are mostly women).

What I find is that many men simply have no framework for conversing with a female partner, especially in an emotionally-fraught situation, outside of giving advice, trying to make her calm down or feel happy, or fixing whatever problem she might be having.

Now, there is nothing wrong with having these skills: having wise advice, being handy, and offering calming perspective are all great sometimes…

It has been and continues to be a deeply moving experience.

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These points are, of course, not meant to apply to all men. They are what I’ve seen in my particular clients over the years. I tend to work with smart, spiritually-curious men with a background in STEM.

And many of these issues are what motivated me to start my business — so they didn’t come as a surprise, though my understanding has deepened through listening to the experiences of the brave, curious, open-hearted men who come to work with me.

Without mastering any techniques

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Let’s get this clear right away: yes, it is possible for men to have orgasms without ejaculating, to have multiple such orgasms at a time, and to subsequently carry on having sex for however long they desire. And yes, it is totally awesome. And no, I’m not only talking about prostate orgasms (though those are also great) — I’m talking about non-ejaculatory orgasms with no prostate stimulation required. It’s really too bad that men don’t get taught how to do this as a matter of course because it can make for deep and awe-inspiring sex.


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I’ll be honest: my doorway into personal growth work & emotional intelligence (EQ) was sacred sexuality.

Otherwise, as an academic who adored the life of the mind, I found the idea of ‘connecting with the body’ vaguely distasteful and considered emotions to be signs of weakness.

But being stuck in my head and unable to be real and raw emotionally made for lousy sex.

The problem was, I didn’t value having good sex as an essential part of life, either.

I easily might have gone on like this for the rest of my life — in our work-obsessed world that…

There’s an epidemic going around, if you haven’t heard. Actually there’s more than one.

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One of the learnings we may walk away with from the virus outbreak is how terrible most of us are at dealing with our emotions.

It’s not our fault — this wisdom has been removed from our educations.

When feeling the urge to panic-buy, for example — what would it be like to deal with the panic another way, and not end up with 500 rolls of toilet paper?

Unfortunately, the modern world only trusts our analytical mind. Most of us were taught to push away…

It’s time we stopped blind devotion and educated ourselves on these dangers.

Since I came to ‘spiritual’ practice as an agnostic scientist who supports queer and women’s rights, and with no experience dealing with spiritual leaders and communities, I came with a great deal of skepticism.

I did not look to spiritual leaders as ‘god’ or ‘infallible’. I tried to understand how their motivations, biases, and cultural and educational backgrounds might inform their teachings. I knew that older male leaders from outside of American academia were unlikely to have done any personal work around sexism, homophobia, privilege, or allyship, for example.

So I found it very perplexing that the message in the…

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What does that even mean and why should we care?

Most of us were taught, implicitly or explicitly, that power means to have power over someone or something. Such as being CEO, president, the owner, the head, the chief.

Our entire lives have revolved around the idea of climbing the corporate ladder — a physical representation that we must climb up and over others, up and out, in order to get power.

It’s as if we are never enough as we are, and we must constantly grasp outside of ourselves to amount to anything.

No wonder that when high-achieving clients…

Ananya Harvey, Ph.D.

Deep sex, wild love, & brilliant relationships. Scientist & Founder of Bliss Science | Online Tantra Coaching for Men (and nerds 🤓).

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