The Manifesto of the Digital Woke Warrior
While we might be on the brink of another world war, one thing is for certain, the Woke Wars are in full effect. Are you one of the brave people on the front lines of this war? Are you one of the people willing to sacrifice your social media to deliver the urgent truth to the people? Then you, my friend, are a Woke Warrior. To make your battle easier, I have inscribed the ten declarations you must follow to continue fighting the good fight. Stay woke.
The 10 declarations of the Digital Woke Warrior Manifesto:
- You must wake people up. According to every Forbes article, the most successful people wake up at 4 am. There is no time to sleep.
- You must declare all that is problematic. That new clothing brand? #Problematic. That new Netflix show? #Problematic. That new flavor of boba tea? #Problematic.
- You must make social media posts about all that is problematic. How else will the world know we are all doomed?
- You must use the word “problematic” at least five times a day.
- You must share your unsolicited opinion (that you found on Twitter at 3 am) with everyone within a five-foot radius. Your eight-year-old niece needs to know how problematic that new flavor of boba tea is.
- You must kill the vibe at social events by declaring everything that is problematic. Fun is for the unwoke.
- You must scoff at anything anyone else enjoys. “Oh, you like carrot cake? Did you know it’s racist, sexist, homophobic, hydrophobic, ageist, ableist, non-plant based, and GMO?”
- When people ask you where you get your information you reply, “There’s stuff on the internet. Duh.” They should know better than to question your reliable sources like YouTube and your cousin’s Facebook reshares.
- You must have terrible taste in everything, but convince yourself that makes you better than everyone else. “Taylor Swift is my girl! I can’t believe you listen to Cardi B. She is so problematic!”
- You must be slightly narcissistic. You must explain to those around you how lucky they are that you even showed up to this lame party. You had way better things to do like watch more “flat-earth” videos and retweet Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest health advice.
Go forth, Woke Warriors and wake up the sleeping masses. Make sure you sharpen your most reliable weapons: your hashtags, your family WhatsApp groups, and your lifetime enrollment into YouTube University. Only you know that books are overrated and just another brainwashing tool. Who needs protests and barrier-breaking work when you have Twitter? Let’s keep declaring everything that is problematic. Let’s continue raging the Woke Wars…from the comfort of our PJ’s.