REENACTMENT RANT
(2015 3rd place winner, adult non-fiction Yorkarts, Yorkfest, PA)
Tonight the local news aired a story about next month’s annual reenactment of the Battle of Gettysburg. Guess what they’re going to have at the ‘reenactment’? Medical staff in case the reenactors get too hot, plus tents with misting water to spray the reenactors in case they get too flustered during their faux-slayings and pretend death-gurglings.
The news story interviewed reenactors who showed-off their authentic clothing, food provisions, and weaponry.
BUT HOW ON EARTH CAN THEY CALL IT A REENACTMENT IF THERE ARE MEDICAL TENTS AND MISTING FACILITIES AVAILABLE? IT’S NOT A TRUE REENACTMENT WITH MODERN LUXURIES SUCH AS BOTTLED WATER, HOTEL ROOMS AND OH YEAH, THE NON-THREAT OF ACTUAL WAR AND DEATH! THAT’S NOT VERY HISTORICALLY ACCURATE IF YOU ASK ME! (Nobody asked me… they never do.) WHERE’S THEIR SENSE OF AUTHENTICITY? THEIR ATTENTION TO DETAIL?
I bet they’re going to have porta potties as well, which would not be very historically accurate. I want to see the reenactors in their authentic garb, digging a hole in the woods when they have to do their business. Well, maybe I wouldn’t want to actually see it, but I would indeed enjoy laughing about it while some eye-witness relayed the details to me over a couple of beers.
Also, how can it be a TRUE reenactment without any death, dying, and dead bodies littered head to toe all over the battlefield? How can they be PROUD of themselves to put on a show that’s so historically inaccurate? Are they going to pipe in gallons of actual blood (probably not human, but pig or Canadian pig or something — maybe Mexican lizard blood) from somewhere to recreate the slippery conditions that existed? The creeks in the area ran red for a VERY long time after the real battle had ended.
How about this idea: to make a true, no-holds barred historically accurate reenactment, we gather a bunch of guys who are on death row from the southern states then do the same with the northern states, dress them all up in blue and gray, and have them slaughter the piss out of one another! Now THAT would be a true reenactment, instead of a bunch of Yankees playing parts from both sides of the war. And what would be the harm? Give those visiting movie/documentary crews something interesting to film! Show them how we do it around here in the heart of good ol’ Pennsyltucky!
We can rock, really we can!
Here’s something to ponder… who came up with this crazy reenactment idea in the FIRST place? Can you imagine how stupid the plan was when it was first suggested? Who was dumber — the guy who suggested it, or the guy standing next to him who then said, “Yeah, man; that sounds like a great idea!”?
To put it in a modern day perspective, can you imagine showing up at ground zero in New York City on September 11, 2002, and announcing to passersby, “Hey everybody: remember last year when those two planes crashed into those towers and people on fire jumped out of windows to their deaths? Then the buildings crashed down, killing thousands and terrifying tens of thousands more? Remember that? Well, whaddya say let’s do it again! Not for real of course, but you know, like a yearly game; just for the sheer fun of it! How does that sound?”
How are the Gettysburg reenactors able to continue performing in this charade year after year after year after YEAR? That’s easy to explain… with no girlfriends, wives or other viable current real world non-past-death-glorifying actual lives getting in the way, they have all the time in the world to sharpen their reenacting skills.
Reenactor One: Hey, guess what, man?
Reenactor Two: What, dude?
Reenactor One: Next year I’m gonna be even more accurate than this year.
Reenactor Two: How you gonna do that?
Reenactor One: I’ve decided that the night before, I’m gonna stab myself all over so I have actual bleeding wounds while I’m lying here on the battlefield!
Reenactor Two: Oh that ain’t nothin’, man. Last week I stabbed myself all over so that today I’ve got real puss oozing out of my wounds while we’re lying here!
Reenactor One: No way, dude… I’m jealous!
If someday the South really DOES decide to rise again, they should plan on doing it at Gettysburg… at a yearly reenactment… in mass numbers… with real guns. All the Northerners would be screaming and hollering and running for their lives, and all the while I would be sitting back laughing, watching it on the news and sipping a pint of beer. But I’m no dumb Yank. I’d stop laughing and run at some point. However, I do have my pride and priorities… before fleeing I’d finish my northern-brewed Liquid Hero.
