Fragile

In this silent room, I sit contemplating my life. I look back and I realise how fake and stupid I was to pretend being stronger than I was.

Oh boy here I am trying too hard to impress whoever is going to read this, maybe trying too hard to impress myself.

Yet I know, I really know that I am not a really good writer, my vocabulary is very limited and my ideas aren’t the most creative or innovative and most of the time it’s very hard for me to clearly put them down on paper.

Ahh, for so many years I dreamed of being a published author someday. I didn’t really care about the writing part, I just wanted the fame.

I know, I am horrible. Aren’t we all?

I am shallow, running after fame and fortune. You didn’t know? Well I am here to tell you there are many many things you didn’t know about me.

You are wondering aren’t you what am I talking about. Let me tell you this story.

Once upon a time there was a boy. Ah screw it, this is a stereotypical story beginning. Hell no, I am going right to the point.

I am weak, I am fragile, I am afraid of life, I don’t know what to do with my future, I am lost, I am in love, I have been rejected and it hurts.

I am fake, I am really fake, I spent the last 20 years trying to build a persona that has nothing to do with who I really am. But who the heck am I?

I don’t know. I am still trying to figure it out so please don’t ask where I see myself in 10 years or what are my top 3 strengths. I don’t know and I would like to believe that neither do you.

You see me smile and laugh, but unfortunately I am very sad and desperate and scared. Oh yeah, you surely didn’t know I am on medication did you. Oh I love it, the attention I would get if I told people I take anti-depressant…little sad boy.

Ahh Anas you’re disgusting me, always running after people’s attention. You little attention whore…I want attention, I die for it, I crave it.

Well, I am also this little p****. I was bullied a couple of times when I was young, I didn’t stand up for myself. I was scared, I didn’t know if I could handle a couple of guys on my own. I didn’t know what to reply to the bloody bully.

It never left my mind, It’s there, deep inside, the feeling that I am always vulnerable to someone’s teasing or insults. Maybe that’s why I always avoided conflict, I never really knew how to manage it.

Ohh, boy don’t think I am peaceful, I am not. I am a ticking bomb and some of my very close friends had the unfortunate chance to be present when I exploded.

I am scared to talk to strangers, I am scared to speak in public and I am really really scared to talk to hot girls.

I was never good with girls, I grew up in a conservative family, trained from childhood to be reserved, to listen and not talk. Well, girls and me were always in opposite directions.

I don’t say I wasn’t in the company of some good looking girls. I was. But I was the “nice guy”, I never dated any of them.

I am shy, I am an introvert and I feel the most comfortable when I am at home on my own, watching TV or doing something on my computer. I am the epitome of the homebody.

I never really liked going out much. It freaked me out. As crazy as it might seem, when I go out I think that everyone is looking at me. I see myself, unattractive, fat, not well dressed.

So I decided not to go out much to avoid having these feelings.

My life is a story of avoidance, I do my best to avoid bad feelings. I try to avoid rejection, regret, fear and the list goes on.

I once called a company to ask for internships, I got rejected, I was destroyed.

I sometimes feel like life is really all about emotional resiliency.

I think I lack that a lot. But sometimes my sister tells me I am more resilient and stronger that I think.

I found that talking to people about my problems and fears helps. I figured out that I am not the only person scared, afraid or lost in this world. Surprisingly many of my friends are.

I don’t know if you have ever experienced this, but sometimes when I go to some coffeeshops, or clothes stores I feel like I am not welcomed over there, I feel that I don’t belong, that I am not worthy of being there.

I hate that feeling, I hate it from the bottom of my heart. I hate feeling not worthy of something.

Ahhh, it feels good to write this, It’s so liberating, to look at yourself in the eye and tell yourself that you aren’t that great superhero you want everyone to think you are.

You know it and I know it too, we aren’t the personas we have spend so much time polishing.

At least I am not. In fact, I am all the things I don’t want to be, all the things I never liked, all the things that I despised.

Maybe I hate myself?

I should probably get some therapy, it will help.

Ahh but one thing at a time, I am trying to lose weight now. Maybe that will help with the girls.

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