Regrets

Deadline is getting closer… She has to submit the final draft of her Phd…She is freaking out…I can understand…the work and commitment of a lifetime….a title so dear to my parents…a wish she always wanted to grant them…Now I can feel the pressure…the pain…the stress….Oh how I wish I was a bit more attentive before, to the little and small needs she had…But I was selfish.

Regrets, I had many of them…I regretted not working enough during my high school years, I could have done better on my national exams…I regretted not working enough in university, I would have been able to graduate with Honors…I regretted not being proactive enough in job search, I could have secured that internship in a top bank or consulting firm.

But I have never regretted not being kind enough to my friends…to my family…to my sister.

How selfish of me. I feel horribly guilty of that today. How much pain and stress I could have relieved, even if it was for a tiny moment, from the shoulders of those who mattered the most.

But I guess I was too selfish…regretting not being too determined to achieve my goals…thinking of how cool and great it will be to achieve all my dreams.

How foolish of me…

I was too selfish to be kind and emphatic. Too self absorbed in my own thoughts and world to care or give a damn about anyone or anything. Even those who were the closest to me.

Maybe I was too absorbed in the narrative that life treated me badly, unfairly, horribly, unjustly. But that’s just an excuse.

All these years of selfishness and self absorption made me an unkind and a distant person. Emotionally unattached, never moved by the feelings of others, their losses, their wins and happiness. I was always a witness, a spectator in their lives wondering why will they be so happy just because someone complimented them, encouraged them, gifted them something or remembered their birthday.

Don’t get me wrong, I was a recipient of all of these, I have shown excitement and thankfulness but deep inside I didn’t feel the joy and happiness of knowing that their are people who cared about me because I didn’t care about anyone.

One can claim that at some level I might care, that we all do care but it’s not our words that hold us accountable to the others but our actions. And I was a skilled master in not giving a damn.

I saw people preparing birthday surprises to their friends, writing lengthy notes of words to show their appreciation, giving them hugs in the moments of sadness and happiness. I saw people cry together and laugh together out of kindness and empathy to each other. And I wondered when did I ever do any of this? When did I every experience any of this?

Maybe a few times but clearly not with so much intensity and liveliness and I guess that throughout the years I lost that liveliness and with it all spontaneity. I was too rational, too goals focused, to cold hearted to feel for others. Shame on me…I am disgusted at myself.

Indeed, I never learned to be kind to other people so how can I be kind to myself? Karma is a b****.

But in a small chat, honest words from my sister, surprisingly seemed to me as a cry for support…I couldn’t see these things before…a complaint…a scream…a look…a sad face. I felt as if she was signalling to me that she needed to hear some words from me…kind words maybe? I guess she might have needed to hear them from me that way she can be kind to herself.

And as if I was hit by some epiphany, I was rewinding my life and all these moments where she was giving me these signals. My goodness, their were so many of them, so many that I just ignored…How harsh and mean of me…

How I wish I could go back in time…for the opportunity to say a kind word…give a hug…a tap on the back…a smile in face of adversity…a look in the eye…maybe I could have changed something…

How I wish…but these are all wishes and now I have to live with those unbearable regrets.

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