What Do You Think is the Most Important Question in Life?

Beartooth Mountain Range 2017

About two minutes ago these exact words were staring at me from the pages of a writing prompt book that I own. It made me think of a question that my counselor once asked me.. “What do you live for?”

As someone who has dealt with suicidal thoughts before, this question struck me hard. Deep down I knew what I live for, but I had never actually asked myself the question outloud.

Suicide is often looked at as a selfish act. I can say that for myself, the thoughts that I had often excluded my family members. I would always tell myself that no one would care if I was gone, and that no one would miss me. The characters in my thoughts never had faces or names, but yet I was convinced that everyone I knew would be better off if I was gone.

Maybe if I would have said my mother wouldn’t miss me, my father wouldn’t care, and my sisters would forget me, or that my boyfriend could do better without me, that my suicidal thoughts could have subsided. But I didn’t put faces or names to the people that would supposedly be happier with me dead. Why couldn’t I say these things? I couldn’t say them because deep down I knew they weren’t true. These were the people that I live for, and I knew that.

Suicidal thoughts fog your brain. It’s hard to think positively when your depression is telling you that you are nothing, and that it never gets better. Despite the fog, my heart knew that I had reasons to live, my mind was just running a bit behind.

Currently I have struggled less with suicidal thoughts since being asked the question of what do I live for. I live for those who love me. I live for my family, my friends, and my dogs. I live for my future and current self. I live for my future and current family. I live for the ones I don’t see every day, and the ones I haven’t met yet. I live for my accomplishments and my future goals.

Some days are harder than others, but it’s the easier days that make it all worth while. It’s those days when I talk to my grandma on the phone, or when the love of my life does absolutely nothing but still manages to put the biggest smile on my face. It’s when my little sisters FaceTime me, or when my Dad calls me to check in on how my day has been going.

I’ve learned to think more about the little things that are happy instead of the little things that aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still hard, and I still get stuck in a rut but it isn’t as often. Perhaps it has something to do with how my life is going. I’ve moved in with the love of my life, I’m on track to graduate college, I have three amazing dogs, and I am really looking forward to my future.

Ask yourself “What do I live for” your answers might change the way you look at your life.