The Art of “The Cuddle Slut”

I am all about live and let live… I am also a party girl with a vibrant sense of humor and a scandalous, but yet, typical South Florida girl life. However, I wanted to speak out on a cause of mine that I hold dear and I want to do so in the most nonjudgmental way possible — because my intent is not to shame anyone or to condemn anyone else’s behavior. Listen: If you like it, I love it. I just wanted to give people (mostly girls) an alternative perspective.

With that being said…

Celibacy has become sort of like a myth of our adulthood. And I get it. We live in a society, especially my fellow Miamians, where we want things quick, easy, scandalous… and, somtimes, cold.

However, years ago, I made a decision: “Celibacy until exclusivity.” Now, this is different than waiting until marriage. I’m not here to preach unicorns, gargoyles, fairies, and fancy foolishness. Celibacy until exclusivity is a little different and not such an extremist approach.

Tis it is merely: Waiting until you’re in a committed relationship! It works for me and let me tell you why….

#1 — STDS

I’m a life-lover. I love everything about life (partying, drinking, good days, bad days, my family, my friends, etc.). HIV/AIDS directly contradicts the continuation of my life…. which, as I stated, I LOVE MY LIFE (in case you didn’t catch that). When you decrease the amount of partners in size, you decrease the possibility that this nightmare of a tragedy may strike in your life: Duh. At the age that we are, we should be beyond reckless faith in an invincible existence… believing that these things just can’t happen to us. One quick glance at the stats paints a totally different story — One that we should take heed to. Yet and still, I am constantly hearing juicy, steamy stories from my peers (guys and girls alike) that make me wonder why we consistently block this possibility from our minds. HELLO! HIV/AIDS does not discriminate : it affects good people, bad people… and even okay-ish people. I’m sure that you know this… buuuut do you make an active effort to remember this?

Other STDs: Whenever I think for a moment that I want the all-mighty ‘D’ in a moment of PG-passion, I picture dating with an incurable STD… because I dont KNOW for sure that he doesn’t suffer from one. And dating these days is hard enough. Imagine that he does have one, didn’t tell you, and then… having to have a talk like THAT with someone you really like in the future. The very idea of it shatters my inner soul. Hell, I have anxiety about telling new guys that I smoke cigarettes, for christ sakes!

I also believe in responsible mating when you do find the right person. I don’t give a flying fuck if it “kills the mood” (as some would say): take your partner to get tested BEFORE the deed occurs. Do not waiver on this. Do not apologize. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. If he/she won’t do it, guess what? BYEEEE. Basically : “oh…? Does that offend you?… have a great life!” (If any of you out there know my exes, go ask them, I’m sure they’ll gladly tell you about this rule of mine.)

#2 — CRAZINESS MANAGEMENT

As much as many girls don’t want to admit it, sex makes us anxious little balls of electric craziness. Anyone that knows me recognizes my virtually trademarked statement “from the moment of penetration, I’m in love.” I think of it this way: Men aren’t thinking clearly BEFORE sex. Women aren’t thinking clearly AFTER sex. Now, not all of us fit this mold. But hello, I DEFINITELY DO and I’m okay with admitting that to myself. And if you are that way too, admit it. It’s fine for there to be differences between men and women. We are different in many ways. Hell, I have emotion seeping from virtually every pore and orifice of my body. It’s no wonder that my vag totally dispatches emotion without permission. Sooo, with that being said, I want to see said ‘Homie’ clearly throughout the entire courtship: both for what he is and what he isn’t. No rose colored glasses here. And I’m not so easily convinced that a man will tend to my crazy appropriately until I feel that I KNOW him and he, in turn, values, respects and knows me for all of my greatness (or lack thereof).

Remember that exclusivity is more than just words or a conversation… it’s a mindset, it’s a feeling, it’s a routine, and you’ll know when it’s real. Even with such analysis, you may be wrong in making such a judgment but the least you owe to yourself is to do your due diligence during the investigative process. — That is, unless you’re a masochist that enjoys crying, eating ice cream, watching chick flicks and extending your cellphone out to the towers wondering when he will call. (we have all been there. It’s totally fine.)

#3 — NEEDS?

My needs

So yeah, some girls look at me and say “but I have needs too.” Okay, sure. The way that I rationalize it all, anxiety concerning the above two reasons circumvent any needs that I may/may not have.

But if that’s not enough for you…. this is when I smack you and say : 1. “get a toy, betch.” 2.Become a totally wild cuddle slut. The toy is self explanatory. However, the “cuddle slut”-That is how I work: I will cuddle with virtually anyone. No, but, seriously. haha. And cuddling is totes harmless… dependent upon how it’s done and who it’s done with. (If you venture off into the “heavy petting” realm, you may be in trouble.) But, that way, I get to know someone with a clear mind and incorporate a level of intimacy (although be it, minimal). His penis has not effected me… and I am, essentially, not ‘stuntin’ him, for lack of a better term. Best part is: if he messes up early on, I have less hesitation when saying goooooodbyeeee, fair well, so long, adios, oir vwa (or however in the hell its spelled). Because, after all, cuddling is not exactly brag-worthy material in the locker room.

His needs

“ Well what if he stops liking me?” “what if this is not enough for him?” “what if….” The way that I deal with this is : FUCK HIM. Excuse me for my bluntness. That is all.

The finality of it all…

…And once you find the right boyfriend-worthy guy (doesn’t mean you have to marry him), go ahead and hang from chandeliers, twerk like your life depends on it, and have the time of your life! Because, well, sex is a healthy part of adult life… and it can be both beautiful and disgusting at the same damn time…. when done right (whatever ‘right’ means to YOU).

Soooo… hopefully I’ve offered some material to consider. If not, carry on!

::sips martini::