Fooling yourself is THE worst
Sometimes I stop and think and then I realize that in a permanently going process of fighting with the others, of not doing what they want me to be doing, of proving that I am leading a life I want to be leading, I actually loose myself.
Why after going back from Paris to Kiev and knowing that I would spend 6–8 months here minimum did I take the job that was already waiting for me, which is not at all what I really want to do? Because it was there, because the salary was OK and I did not have to ask for anything. I knew I would be comfortable doing this job. Yes, sometimes it drives me nuts, but, in general, it is a very comfortable schedule, set of tasks etc. Why did I make this decision? I was afraid to spend months of looking for a job, as a journalist. I was afraid of not ffinding anyone who would want to pay for my writing. I was afraid to seek t h a t look on the faces of my family, which would say “we told you!”. I was afraid. I kept on telling myself that I would write anyway, that I would do two things, that it is better this way. Is it though? I do not know anymore. I have been doing it for almost 6 months, but every single day I have been thinking “why am I not writing more?” and “why am I still not a full-time journalist?”. A couple of months later I may have a chance to tell you another reason why I made this decision. Hopefully, I was right and everything will work out, as planned.
Why do I keep on saying that I did not care about what others think and them I am uncomfortable because of how some creep is staring at me on a bus. Why? Because I am afraid to confess that I care. I do. Maybe more than others, maybe much more than those who discuss it, because, at least, they have enough courage to talk about it, whether I never ever mention it to anybody. Never.
I can go on with this list, but I won`t. As children, we were taught that lying i not good. It is bad. You should not lie. Well, sometimes you should or you need, and then you do it. However, no one has ever mentioned that the worst of all was lying to your own self, feedding yourself with words an phrases, that were not real, pretending that you believed yourself, when you naturally did not. Fooling yourself is THE worst. I should remind myself every single day, and so should you. Stop for a moment, put everything aside and be honest with yourself. Have you been honest with yourself lately? Can you be now? Try it. It won`t be comfortable or easy, but it will be worth it.