On Being a Living Contradiction
Have you ever felt that you were contradicting yourself? I have! Many times, actually. I used to think it meant that something was wrong with me. That I was either someone who did not know herself at all or an inconsistent person or…a hypocrite.
These thoughts made me feel uneasy and confused. I wondered, what it all meant, and I asked myself a lot of questions. I observed life, I read books and I contemplated about it, trying to find a solution, because I sincerely believed that something was definitely wrong with me. It got better with time.

I remember writing “my experience with travelling is a proof of my belief that my life consists of extreme contradictions” in my post about travelling alone, I remember finding a quote that is in front of my eyes every day now and coming more and more to piece with an idea that we as humans are full of contradictions, and that is perfectly fine. This conclusion was a huge relief for me. I would like to share the quote with you, as well as discuss this subject a bit more.

I spent a lot of time wondering, whether I was giving some of my priorities up, whether I was getting rid of the important goals, because it was easier to do so, whether I was making the wrong choice simply because it was right in front of me instead of the one I had had in mind. For the most part, these thoughts filled my head because of the memories I had about “the way everything should be” as I had previously imagined it all.
Obviously, some aspects stay with us no matter what happens in our lives, but you should not lock yourself in a prison built out of the beliefs and preferences of the human being you used to be in the past. Yes, sticking to your old views is a familiar path, and following it makes you think that you are being loyal to your own self, while also keeping at least some kind of a stability.
However, life goes on, and so do you. something happens every single day, and every event affects us. We change and then a domino effect occurs — our tastes, views, desires, goals and priorities change as well. At first these changes cause discomfort, anxiety and even fear, but the closer you get, the clearer it becomes that they are a part of your current self. There is nothing wrong with it. This process is a good one, and a completely natural one.
I am learning to let myself change and accept these changes. I am trying to stop pushing them away, criticizing and scolding myself. Instead, I am trying to observe them patiently and understand them better, as well as try to figure out what they mean. This is an exhilarating and exciting process. We do change, but it does not mean that we become different people. I believe that I have always been myself, and that I will always remain myself.
What happens is that our life circumstances affect which parts of ourselves we express and how we do it. On top of that, all of these adventures are a way to understand yourself better and discover things you had no idea existed. I realize that there are so many discoveries awaiting in the future, and I am definitely looking forward to experiencing them.
“be okay with being a living contradiction
find peace in your shapeshifting nature
just know that what matters is
that you shared your truth”.
If you would like to know, I discovered these in this article by one of my favourite authors on Medium Jonas Ellison.
The illustrations from this post are by Bianca Cash.
Originally published at https://anastasiyamozgovaya.com/blog/ on September 7, 2018.
