Broken, Anti-depressant and Joy

They say, “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” but what do you do when life gives you Depression? “Take anti-depressants,” would be the most ideal answer, but I beg to differ, even though that is where I am right now.

A few months or weeks ago, I lost the two closest friends I had in the world (they didn’t die, they just unfriended me). My best girls and faves whom I rolled with. In my eyes, they could do no wrong; in fact, I felt so priveleged that these amazing women would choose a person like me—who lacked good self-esteem, was a procrastinator, loved keeping things to myself, and internalising my pain & shame until it consumed me. I always felt like a failure, pursing things and trying to hold on to any and everything for as long as it chose to stay with me.

I won’t say I lived my life for others but I didn’t feel like I was worth it, so any attention I got, I would die on the hill, even when I knew it would do me no good… This is one of the reasons I am heartbroken, battered, and bruised.

I went into a relationship because I liked the guy more than I should. He didn’t want me for the long-term, he majorly wanted sex and had laid the cards on the table, that he wasn’t going to be settling down till he was 45 and I foolishly agreed to his terms because I was uncousiously desperate for a man to love me, to feel what a relationship could feel like, to be accepted by someone else, to experience what others were experiencing.

At the bottom of it all, all I wanted was ACCEPTANCE. From the guy (now ex) I like, from my friends, and from the world. But how will they accept me, when I don’t accept myself and fight for myself? When I have let low self-esteem and depression cripple me that I am steady trying to conform to what others have to say or do. I have little or no boundaries, my discipline is in the mud, and my self-worth might as well be nonexistent.

It is a journey of self-discovery, of healing, of restitution, of letting go, of building my self-worth, of learning from mistakes, of pursuing my dreams, of facing my fears, and maybe, of rebuilding my life from the ground up.

So, yes, I am broken, I now take anti-depressants because I have clinical depression (moderate depression, to be more precise), but I have got Joy.