What defines us?

Many times it’s easy to sum ourselves or others up in a few words. She’s the quiet type, I’m thirty-five and still haven’t achieved anything, he’s wealthy, I’m a mom now, she is so cool, he’s a foreigner, I’m an introvert. We naturally define others as we get to know them and so do they. We also fit ourselves in a box as we are trying to grasp our identity. The questions are though: how do we define thyself and others? Do we define who we are or we are defined by the way others perceive us? And can we even be defined?
Generally, a person is delineated by qualities or lack of them. We look at how they act, what is their moral code, their surroundings, their social status, their intellect, feelings, thoughts, who are their family and friends, what are their interests and hobbies, culture and religion and so on. But, in the process of defining someone and even ourselves, actions and responses need to meet our personal views, expectations, and prejudices. How we view someone is rooted in who we are, or who we appear to be. And that may or may not be how they see themselves as a person. At the same time, we reveal different parts of ourselves based on the context we are in. One of my favorite quotes by Charles Cooley says it all “I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.”
Part of the brilliant survival game is that as we get feedback from the exterior we create opinions on how others perceive us, then we act in that way and those in front of us start believing in that. For example, you find yourself in a social situation where you say or do something that makes no sense to anyone. If your perception of the situation is that now people will think you’re not that smart, get ready for either shutting yourself down or keep the ‘not smart’ stuff come out of you until you prove it. We can call it a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, the most important take from this is that it shows our ability to change others’ opinions of us by simply thinking differently. And that’s wicked!
Now, if your overall personality is shaped and directly related to your perception of what others think of you, how many of ‘you’ exist?
I know for myself, there is a ‘professional me’ at work, there is a ‘fun me’ with my friends, there is a ‘selfless me’ with those I love and the ‘mean me’ comes out with those that cross my boundaries. And while the whole concept questions authenticity these are just few different sides that are universal to any human being.
I truly believe that the notion of ‘ you’ is a very evasive thing. While looking at a flat coin we’ll never see it whole, it’s always one side that is revealed to us. To see all of it we’ll need to twist and turn it and pay attention to details. In a similar way, human beings are so complex that making an opinion simply based on certain characteristics would be a mistake. Our nature is not static. Contrary to that, we are dynamic in nature. So when making an assumption about the personality of an individual, we are forming that upon certain characteristics of that individual portrayed at that particular time, in that particular context.
Saying this I think a person is defined by everything and nothing they are, all at the same time. And for me that means we cannot truly be defined. We can give ourselves and others labels for actions and choices made, at times even for things we had no choice over but that certainly does not makes who we are or who we can be.
Every moment we live is rendering who we become in the next one. We are constantly redefining who we are as we are writing the story of our life so defining means setting limitations to us and others. But it takes a lifetime to really know and understand yourself. I guess we’ll never be able to do that for others.
So I’ll leave you with this: stay curious about you and those around you. We are a mistery, our life is an art piece in progress seen at different stages of development. At times we’ll need to crample it and start over again. A different idea, a different type of art. That’s the beauty of undefinable you.
