I think there was some sort of clear indication the first week, on some level, that our team wouldn’t work out. We quietly disbanded without too much wear or tear. At least, I never got to see the wearing or the tearing. There were literal tears that I never saw, and figurative tears that I felt at every moment during my second week at Endevvr.
Those two weeks were truly formative. There is no way anyone could hide a dead body under the circumstances set by Endevvr. Secrets, much less.
I felt like that night at Endevvr, I laid everything on the table. I literally slept on a table in a conference room all by myself. I came into close contact with a foreign feeling. At every moment, I felt like someone was burning me.
Everything revolved around me. I held a stupidly cool, teenage sort of outlook on life. Materialism and coldheartedness were attractive, if only because they allowed me to be an asshole and justify my actions on a principle that seemed fairly childish in retrospect.
Look, I can’t blame people for thinking that I’m just looking to appear vulnerable when all I want is to just talk. I literally just want to talk. I might crave attention. I might crave sympathy. Appearing vulnerable might be a byproduct of talk, but talk is all I wanted nonetheless. Perhaps I was truly desiring sympathy from that person when I tried to appear vulnerable, but I obviously didn’t succeed. I reasoned that there was no harm in trying to appear as someone that I wasn’t. I reasoned that those long, nightly talks were a series of processes that allowed me to blow off some internal steam.
And I think that in the process of my reasoning, I decided that people took second chair to everything that I valued.
Actually, let’s cut the bullshit. On some conscious and unconscious level, I probably tried to play the victim card.
I actually got to a point where I started to question that, too. Is it all that bad if you’d kill your friend for an extra dollar or two? I’m sure many people would be willing to do that— more than most would like to admit.
The thing is, I just found myself always being the damper on something truly important about my team at Endevvr. Here are a couple accusations that were lodged against me, wholly valid and veritably evident on multiple occasions:
- I interrupted people.
- I often made innapropriate jokes.
- I also didn’t really appreciate the things people did for me. Worse than this, I often didn’t really even acknowledge the things that people did for me.
- I didn’t move for someone in a crowded elevator who was fainting.
- I said something extremely mean to someone in an elevator, and had never truly apologized for it.
There are more. At heart, I’m a loud person with a loud personality. It’s borderline abrasive, and I know it. I’m sassy, and I walk the line between rude and outrageous frequently.
These characteristics aren’t necessarily bad though. They didn’t really hurt the people around me. Sure, there were those who would dislike me for being who I was, but I found that the purpose behind my actions were truly the driving force behind why I became so quickly loathed within two weeks.
The truth is, psychological safety hinges on creating an atmosphere that allows people to take risks in an interpersonal setting.
I denied the psychological safety of everyone within my group.
Consequently, I was kicked off. I was kicked off nicely, but I was kicked off nonetheless.
I guess that’s all I have to say about that.
I’m pretty confident I’ve broken down those first two weeks of Endevvr to a tee. In my mind, I think I’ve recognized the problem. This makes me a whole lot happier, although solving it is difficult. How does one go about not being an asshole when all they’ve been so far is an asshole?
The fact that I feel like I succeeded at Endevvr is wholly perhiperal to the fact that I failed dismally when it came to my social interactions with people.
And then again, I’m glad that the social consequences for my actions at Endevvr proved relatively small. This is selfish, I know; I’m only glad because it is unlikely that I may ever see a couple of the people that I met at Endevvr ever again.
If anything, Endevvr is like a petri dish. It’s the perfect environment for growth. I just happened to grow something that I feel was extremely unhealthy. Not that that’s a bad thing, though.
A first post on self-reflection.