Ultimate Guide to the Most Perfect Pregnancy Ever

Tick tock. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of the hours speeding forward to the birth of your baby. Now that you’re pregnant, it’s important to do everything just right.

If you feel like you haven’t gotten enough advice from books, magazines, family, co-workers and that random guy on the street who doesn’t even have kids, never fear! The internet is chock full of useful information to make sure you don’t miss one little thing.

To make it even easier, I’ve aggregated this helpful (and not at all overwhelming) guide to pregnancy.


Things-you-simply-must-do-if-you-want-to-have-the-best-pregnancy- easiest-labor-strongest-post-baby-relationship-and-give-birth-to-the healthiest-smartest-baby-ever-born.

Research the best breast pump, crib, diapers, baby monitor, brain-stimulating mobile, diaper bag, pacifiers, non-toxic teething toys…and, and, and…

Make sure you find the cutest, most well made, safest option that is optimal for your comfort and your babies long term development.

Helpful questions to ask yourself while you shop:

Is this toxic?

Will this give my baby cancer?

Will it single handedly ruin the environment?

Will it give my baby a warped spine, flat head, delayed motor skills or encourage subpar eye contact?

Does every pediatrician on the face of the planet recommend it?

What did my mother/sister/best friend/neighbor use?

Are there at least 3 recent research studies proving the definitive superiority of this product above all possible others?

Tip: Shop around to make sure you’re getting the best deal ever!

Eat Right

Now that you’re growing a baby, you should become a label reading, internet checking, waiter aggravating, healthy eating machine, nausea be damned!

Eat plenty of fish, but not too much. And only the right kinds! Just how much is a serving of fish? Precisely how much mercury is in that delicious filet you’re about to consume?

Eat a perfectly balanced diet. Make sure to get just the right amount of protein, calcium, iron, whole grains, fruits and vegetables, and water daily.

Know the forbidden foods. Is that cheese pastuerized? Are those eggs fully cooked? You weren’t really considering sushi just now, were you?

Gain enough weight, but not too much! Watch the scale, but don’t stress!

Childcare.

What could be simpler than choosing if and when to go back to work? For every article insisting you’re a terrible mother for putting your child in daycare, there is another one reminding you how much you’re setting back feminism by staying home. Isn’t it great to have so much helpful information?

Already decided on daycare? Lucky you, the hard part is over. Now you just have to find the best ever option!

I’ve put together a step by step guide to finding the perfect daycare that will encourage your child’s development and not ruin them for the rest of their life.

Research all daycares in your area. No really. Every. Single. One. Then look again, in case you missed the best one.

Find just the right one. You will probably know by the glowing light and warm fuzzy unicorn feeling you get when you enter the front doors.

Make sure it fits your budget! What’s $2000 a month when your child’s long term success hinges on this choice?

Now that you’ve found your baby’s future utopia away from home, get on the wait list least one year before you’ll need it. Didn’t even know you were pregnant a year ago? Too bad! Shoulda started your search sooner.

Do all the things you won’t have time for after the baby arrives.

Because you surely have time to do all these things now.

Organize and clean your entire house.

Go on weekly date nights. After the baby is born, you’ll never see your partner alone again.

Have a girls’ night out. All your friends will probably forget you once you have the baby, so might as well see them now!

Go on an exotic vacation.

Daily to-do’s

In all the spare time you suddenly found now that you’re expecting, here are a few daily tasks to fill the hours. Need a little extra motivation? Just remind yourself, if you don’t complete them all everyday, not only are you an awful person, you clearly don’t care about your baby.

Count fetal kicks. This may take up to 2 hours per day, so plan ahead!

Exercise at least 30 minutes per day. You might feel like a zombie or be unable to move like a normal person, but it’s important to get out there. Just don’t overdo it or move in anyway that could possibly harm your baby.

Take time to connect with your baby. Spend some time each day simply being pregnant.

Practice relaxation exercises daily. There are some great options out there that only take about 30 minutes — 1 hour.

Sleep at least 8 hours. Try to ignore the elbow on your spleen, heartburn, achy back and mile long to-do list.

Take time for you! Pregnancy can be overwhelming. In between work, reading every parenting book ever written, cooking yourself nutritious meals and planning the perfect birth, make sure to carve out time each day to do something just for you.

Don’t stress.

Stress is the worst possible thing you could do to your baby aside from maybe crack. Feeling anxious just reading this guide? Don’t think about the harmful stress hormones now coursing through your veins. JUST RELAX!


Hopefully this guide has been a helpful start towards optimizing your pregnancy experience. It’s only the beginning, though — call your Great Aunt Fran, haunt the parenting aisle at Barnes and Noble, chat up that woman on the bus.

And don’t forget, the most useful information is only a finger’s tap away on your web browser. This may be the ultimate guide, but what kind of horrible mother only reads one ultimate guide to pregnancy?

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