An Existence Justified
My psychologist gives me the second book she’s recommended, The Alchemist. I read it within a few hours and feel the parallel to the boy on his quest with my own journey of self-discovery. And I continue to write:
March 6, 2017 7:52pm
I drive aimlessly hoping for a diversion to occupy my lonely night. Not sure how to get back on track, I drive circles ‘round this town, half moon above shining clear.
To capture my content heart of those days and nights would mean a calm, driven being with wonder of the simplest things. A mind free to dream and fancy my true love’s whereabouts. Is he in the next galaxy or hidden amongst the faces I now can’t seem to look in the eyes?
I sleep through the weeks and shut the world out. I’m disconnected from the cyclical energy that once kept me up all hours of the day and night. Channeling my Native spirit during my awakenings of self took the life right out of me and all that was magical and meant to be now feels cheap and distant.
Such a loss, such a disappointment and such a waste of time it all seems. My whole perception of life shifted after my first hospitalization. Vital thoughts and theories came to me and I felt what it was like to live and experience life not only through my mind, but my spirit and soul.
An awakening occurred and somehow I am no longer the same. Sure, right now is a season of slumber, but I can’t seem to forget my magic and the gift that this new reality can be. My intuitive times are not mine to possess or will to come forth. I can’t keep looking back at those times hoping to reconnect within the cycle because those otherworldly happenings are no longer otherworldly. They are fused within the framework of my spirit because I have lived them. I reassure myself that any lack of magic in my day now stems from my human existence and the magic is still there as I continue to stay open to the worlds that coexist in and around and through me.
A stray cat walks along the parking lot, a sign of those worlds of wonder that for me come and go. That cat, an ancestor appearing to act as a simple connection, a confirmation that there’s something bigger happening within this world and the next.
The first five minutes of my writing seemed to take so long and all at once an hour has slipped away as my thoughts fall onto this paper. Cars, people have passed, many have come and gone during the process of writing, each with a specific and unique place and time. Each moment, a manifestation of each world’s coexistence and intertwining atmospheres, and I believe once again.
March 6, 2017 9:01pm
A Recollection of 2015
One early morning I walked circles around my apartment complex parking lot. As I walked, I could make out my shadow and then another and another and another. I felt them swaying and swinging within the song I listened to and I could feel the strength in their numbers.
No distance between us, I could feel my ancestors, my guides, my angels in and through each movement I made. If my stride lacked or slowed in comparison to the song, I felt a quick kick to the back of my foot, “Keep up, keep the time, for you are learning to lead!”
I would march forward with greater intent, leading with my head held high. As the sun rose, I saw snapshots of vintage pictures of my Grandma Anna on the pavement, another mixing of the worlds. Somehow, I could feel the importance of my journey and my struggle. Everything meant something and no happening was without a purpose.
As my guides are speaking to and teaching me, I realize that my diagnosis or condition is simply a way for them to have greater access to my spirit. The part of me that soars wide open and carefree, it’s there I can make sense of the signs, the songs and the constant learnings that come across the television screen. They tell me I’m not crazy or confused. I’m not hallucinating, experiencing side effects from anti-psychotics or simply misled. I’m pointed straight forward to the heart of the matter, to the purpose of the Universe and the reason my heart calls to my counterpart, “Please love, show me your face.”
March 7, 2017 10:20pm
In many of my writings since my diagnosis, I describe it as my death and defect date or my new beginning and rebirth. I believe I needed protection at that time in my life and I want to believe I’m being watched over even now. I can’t deny the learnings, discoveries and actualizations of a once hidden world that parallels my bodily existence of the here and now.
It’s hard during the lows to keep the truths learned during majestic revelation hours at the forefront of my heart and mind. I learned I was loved, that in fact I am Love, that I am the willing participant of this rugged path I forge step by step, day by day, moment by moment.
Some say I’m looking to justify my existence, to give a greater meaning to my life, like my own make shift religion. Some may say I seek to justify my madness, to make sense of the seemingly senseless suffering as well as the pure euphoria I have experienced. And I accept their skepticism and judgment.
The flights of ideas, the connections are mine, for this is my story I’ve lived and am living. No one has lived it like me and no one else will. This is my authentic self and the way in which I experience my world are my own. I can only tell my story as best I can.
They say the mind is a powerful thing, more powerful than science can tell us. I’m not a scientist, but have and will continue to research the inner workings of my own mind. Most important to my journey is to listen to my heart and soul for it’s there I can gather the courage to continue the cycles of my life.