What I learned from the job that almost broke me
I have only had one job I hated. HATED. In all caps. And I worked retail, fast food, and as a waitress. Those were all better than this job. The job messed with my head, it tore me down, it made me question my self-worth in a way I never had.
It all culminated in one evening, making dinner, when my husband finally got tired of my weird moodiness, depression, and lashing out randomly. He simply asked, “What is wrong? You are not acting like yourself.” (or something along those lines) and I lost it. All of the tears that I had been holding back came flooding out, gasping sobs, there wasn’t any air in the room anymore. I started saying all the words that were in my head, that weren’t real, that I was able to deny until that moment. I wasn’t good enough, my previous role was a fluke and wasn’t based on my skills, I wasn’t as smart as I thought, maybe I was getting too ambitious, etc. I tore myself apart. He quietly sat with me until I calmed down enough to speak. He tried to persuade me to quit, that I didn’t need to be feeling like this, it wasn’t right, we could afford for me to be unemployed for a while, it wasn’t healthy, etc. All those things that supportive partners say.
But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t quit, I was so low that I was convinced that no one else would hire me. I would perpetually be unemployed. I needed to make every last dollar that I could while I could. (For more on that, you can read my post on Imposter Syndrome that I wrote when this experience was fresher.)
Red Flags
Let’s rewind a bit, this company and this role should have been something I declined from the start.
#1. For my only interview, with the founder, I waited on a Zoom call, I waited, and waited, and waited. I emailed him, I emailed the person who set up the call, it was after work hours in the US, so I was met with silence. The CEO finally emailed me back, and we started the call over an hour late. He had fallen asleep and missed our call. He asked me why I wanted to work there and that was it, that was his only question. He never once turned his camera on and the birds in the background were louder than he was. He had no idea what my skills or goals were. (Flags — lack of respect, lack of preparation, lack of direction)
#2. My title. I am really not hung up on titles, but they do give you a direction. A clue as to what the company expects you to do. I honestly don’t remember what my title was because it changed so many times between the interview, the offer, and the contract (and not because of negotiation). Whatever it landed on, I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to be doing. (Flags — again lack of direction)
#3 + #4. On the day I started, the computer they gave me was so old that it couldn’t be unplugged for more than 30 minutes (Nothing says “We value you as an employee” like giving someone a computer that you just happened to have laying around and should have been retired.) and my role description was an unfinished draft (that never did get finished). (Flags — lack of resect, lack of value, lack of follow through)
#5. As my time there went on, no one seemed to know what I was supposed to do. I never understood the true effects of gaslighting until I worked there. Requirements for projects changed after you were 75% complete, but you weren’t told they changed, just that what you were doing was wrong. Nothing was ever final, nothing was ever concrete. I was asked to develop systems to only be told after I was done that no one would use it. To develop another to adjust to what I was told they would use, to only be told they wouldn’t use that either. (Flags — gaslighting, lack of planning, lack of direction)
#6. No one could really explain the product to me, every time I thought I had it down, someone told me it wasn’t quite right. The terminology used changed to become more and more vague. (Flags — lack of clarity, lack of direction)
#7. + #8. They messed up my taxes, they messed up my 401k. (Flags — the wrong people in the wrong roles)
#9. They lied to customers, promising features they didn’t have, telling them the product did things they didn’t do. (Flags — dishonesty, desperation)
That is nine red flags, just off the top of my head, years later. I can’t imagine how many I am blocking out.
Revelations
I let this type of company determine my self-worth. I have a pretty healthy self-image, know what I am good at and try to learn what I am not. But this place stripped that all away. I could no longer see myself or my skills clearly. They had made me believe that I was wrong about how I viewed myself and doubt every accomplishment I ever achieved.
Then they let me go. They did it in a super cowardly way, where I logged in one day and had access to nothing but my email. They tried to be nice and cordial on the phone (unless you are a monster, letting people go sucks), by telling me they just didn’t need my role anymore because they were shifting directions. They were trying to be nice by lying to me. I never really knew what my role was because no one ever let me accomplish anything (I never succeeded or failed at anything while I was there). I knew that I was flailing as they tried to shove me in places where I had no skills and no one to teach me. But they didn’t say that, they didn’t take responsibility for a bad hire, they didn’t tell me that I wasn’t doing well, even though I knew wholeheartedly that I wasn’t.
But that was my out, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. They gave me two weeks to pass on knowledge. Which I did, but essentially I didn’t ever have to show up there again. I started to feel better. I had never been let go before and it did not feel good. At all. But it did feel better than working for them. (Can you imagine how bad a place is that you feel better about yourself after they let you go?)
It took me some time to get my confidence back (it is hard to do that when you keep applying to places that don’t contact you for interviews or you have a million first round interviews and you aren’t invited back for a second). But it did come, and in hindsight, I can’t believe how broken I was, how such toxicity seeped into my life and permeated every aspect of it. I thought something like that could never happen to me. But it did. Without my knowing.
All of this taught me a lot. I read job postings carefully, I listen to my gut, I practice self-care, and self-awareness. I only go for roles that fit. I know that I am a skilled worker and that I don’t have to take whatever job is handed to me. And most importantly, I work twice as hard to create the cultures of accountability and respect so that it doesn’t happen to anyone else. At least not while I am around.
